the internal storm

acceptance

I have to accept that it was never meant to be. That you belong to someone else, that you were never interested in me in the first place.

We never really talked, just caught each other's eyes in the hallway, with slight fury but intrigue in that exchange. Small things, like being a little close to each other or little actions that spoke a lot, stood out. But now I realize that was all one sided.

It was all in my head, and now I feel like a fool. After all this time, you had belonged to someone else. Who may now be angry at me for laying my eyes on you. I am probably really obvious, with my staring and inability to act like a normal person when I'm around you.

I can be so, so awkward when you're around. My words get phrased strange and my body language communicates the exact opposite of what I'm feeling. Having feelings for someone makes me hate myself, to want to lash out on both you and myself. I hate that you make me vulnerable, distracted and insecure. I am not the best person I can be when I'm around you and I hate that you have that power over me.

But no longer should that happen. If you were to cheat on the one you love, it would make me less interested in you. Sure, in the moment, with the adrenaline of doing a bad thing I may be happy, but afterwards the repercussions would be disastrous. I couldn't try and steal you, especially when you don't feel the same as I do.

Me stealing you would cause only hurt and pain. The girl you are dating would obviously be heart broken if you cheated on her. You would be frustrated and guilty and sad if you did. I would feel the ultimate guilt, from tearing apart an otherwise happy couple.

I need to keep my emotions and fantasies in check. A slap in the face of reality will help me accept that you'll never like me and that you're into someone else. I need to accept that this can never go any further which is nowhere. I just need to get my mind back to how things were before any of this happened inside me.

The sad thing is that nothing ever happened. I never acted, only dreamed and stalked and stared. Although I can say how much I accept this truth, there will always be relapses. My mind can say one thing but my heart overrides it, dictating my thoughts and actions. There is no turn off switch for the heart, these chemical messengers within my brain.

You would be happier without me. And I you. I haven't even talked to you, you barely even know me. This is a one sided infatuation, that has lasted too long. I barely even thought about you last year. What happened? Maybe with all the shit happening last year I didn't even notice you.

You're just a stranger to me. If I didn't ever find any interest in you I would know nothing about you. You would still be an afterthought, in the very back of my mind. One of the many people who I would say to: "Oh, you're in this class?"

I wish that I never let it get this far. That I didn't allow myself to fall down the deep, dark hole underground. I could have been happy without this happening, not letting myself get down just because of some person I don't even know. For all I know, you could be a fascist or misogynist. I don't like those people.

It is time that I let these wounds heal within me, to let myself move on from these feelings. Almost all year, I have been pining over someone I haven't even talked to. And now you're with someone else.

I have to accept that nothing was ever going to happen and that I need to keep moving forward.

3/19/19