the internal storm

in light of a dire situation

I'm sick of feeling like this, and sick of talking about it. This is all anyone ever wants to talk about but I guess it's the inevitable, and I have fallen into the same trap of doing so. Another case? Another death? Another statistic, it seems like to me.

I wish that I felt more bothered by this, more deeply moved and saddened by this but all I feel is numbness. This is our reality right now, bad news is all we are being fed. I like to sometimes look at the silver lining, think that this is temporary (and it is) but nothing can take back these two to three months of our lives. I like to think this is a sacrifice for the greater good (and it is) but a part of me wants to be selfish and talk to a friend again... not on the phone either, in real life, where we can hear each other's voices and see each other's faces. Hell, even sitting close to someone rather than six feet feels a lot better.

But I digress, this thing has made me retreat into myself, lose motivation to do many of the things I promised myself I would do and only socialize with some when I want to. It's funny how I craved social interaction so much back then but now I don't as much, since I am getting more of it. I often ask myself why I always want what I can't have but maybe the explanation is I'm a masochist and have weird issues as the result of my past experiences.

Anyways, this started off sounding all artsy as fuck but now I am too tired to try and be so. I am tired of this, while obviously knowing why we're doing this, which makes me even feel worse for feeling tired of it in the first place. But then I like to tell myself all feelings are valid, so I guess this is just an expression of my feelings.

This is temporary and we're going to get through this, we just need to stop focusing on the negatives. Look for the small positives in this and towards all the great things in this world. I promise you there are some if you look hard enough. Not everything is hopeless, there is still some good in humanity (besides hoarding toilet paper), we haven't broken into world war three. Now this is getting too fucking mushy for me- go on a walk, the air quality has improved for many.

4/1/20