the internal storm

physical touch

Physical touch is something I crave, but deny from everyone. It's easy for my friends to hug, whenever they see each other, but I don't allow myself and others to even touch me. It's a continuous truth that I don't want to face. Intimacy is hard for me to offer, because I fear how it makes me feel: vulnerable and exposed.

This denial towards hugs or touching has led to those I trust doing what I ask of them, which I hate. I wish they would give me affection despite my reluctant words and actions, but they're good friends so they ask for consent, first. It's hard for me to admit to wanting physical contact when I won't let myself or others give it to me.

I sometimes cry when I genuinely hug someone, which makes me feel weak. I'm a fragile person, an exhausting shit storm that my loved ones have to deal with. Inside of me is someone who just wants empathy, to feel understood, not one to be given redundant advice. My parents barely hug or touch me, don't know how to help me besides giving me solutions to my problems which makes me feel worse. I already know what actions I should be taking, and I hate myself for not doing anything about it.

I hate how physical contact makes me feel vulnerable, but also enjoy it. They says hugs are healing, and if I had a partner I would love to do even more with whoever they could be. I just want to feel loved... do I even deserve it?

People take me way too seriously because of my external shell. An apathetic, closed-off asshole. It's really the opposite, I'm a fragile, insecure person and there's nothing fucking good or beautiful about that. I just want comfort sometimes, but how am I ever going to find it when I deny myself and others of it?

7/23/19