the internal storm

self esteem

Some of my issues lie in my social life. There are so many interesting, unique and original people out there. In a way, we all are. But I always hold myself back from doing what I want to do, meeting people without becoming too anxious and choking on my words. I want to just have the ability to go up to someone and be able to strike up a conversation. What happened? I used to be able to do that, I guess not anymore.

I never step out of my comfort zone, instead I stay in the cocoon of self loathing that I have built for myself, isolating myself from the immense fear of rejection. And from hating myself, really hating myself. I feel toxic, never good enough. That I can be too much to bare, a burden on everyone. I hate putting my problems on others but somehow I end up doing it anyways. Or at least I feel like I do. Feeling like everyone hates me causes me to isolate myself, who would want to be friends with a moody, damaged, anxious, emotional person?

It's an endless cycle, I can never step out of my safety net. I'll punish, tell myself a thousand times to just take even a small step but I never can do it. I can never do what I really want to do. My feelings and my body hold me back, like there are chains that are tying me back. My mind, my conscious tells me to do one thing. It knows exactly what I need to do but my feelings won't let me. That's why I can never act. Never do anything. I only live internally, brooding and sulking about what I could be doing than actually doing it.

This is what causes the cycle of self hatred. The frustration and guilt built up inside of me cause me to bully myself. To be my worst enemy. To call myself an asshole, a bitch. Dumb and scared. A big fucking baby. A giant chicken, someone always paranoid and anxious.

I wonder why I feel like no one cares. Why no one really likes me. But then I remember, it's my fault. Everyone is caught up in their own worlds, their own minds. No one is thinking about what I'm thinking and vice versa.

I shouldn't have such high expectations for myself and others, I have to just accept that I'll always be second best. Third best. Fourth best. One hundredth best. I am never at the top of my friends' priorities list, not someone they feel like can talk to and I need to accept that. Maybe it's my fault from isolating myself for a while, but also simultaneously exploding and venting too much on a few random days. I am just a giant contradiction.

I am constantly pushing myself to be better. A self-fulfilling prophecy is the life I lead, which cause me a great ordeal of pain. As humans, we always have room for improvement, but it's also important to have confidence in our abilities. To notice not just the mistakes and what can be ameliorated but actively working on fixing them instead of sulking in them. I need to practice what I preach, and learn balance. Not to be the one who tries to help everyone but themselves.

3/15/19