the internal storm

the crow

Yesterday, there was a little bird with jet black feathers, outside the front door of my house. It seemed like it was in shock, its feathers all puffed up and immobile. This made me wonder: What happened to this bird?

This morning, the skies were grey and crying buckets of water. They blocked out the sunlight, the only source of warmth and life. I am typically not superstitious but I can't help but wonder if these were omens of what was to follow.

There's been this mistake that I have been in constant fear of making for the past few weeks now. Today I made it over twenty times. It started off slow, he gave me plenty of chances, until he reached boiling point. He ferociously kicked a chair, screamed and yelled and took my instrument (the piano) and span it towards him at a speed that could kill. I still remember the death eyes he shot me, and my whole body shaking with petrified fear. Now, this may seem not as nearly bad as it sounds but I've grown tired of it. And the fact being that there is nothing I can do about it.

He's an authority figure, has a place in power. If I stand up to him, what is he going to do? Kick me off the piano? Dock my grade, making my chances of a successful future decrease? Make me look like even more of a fool in front of everyone, while choosing obvious favorites? Hit me? He was pretty close to it today. Cut the one song that I keep messing up? I know this is mainly my fault, but I can't help but wonder if it was also a miscommunication.

This one song that I keep fucking up is getting on my nerves. It's such a beautiful song, my passion for it is like a flame within me but there's just one little part that I can't seem to get right. Hopefully after today I will finally understand what he wants?

Teachers are supposed to be inspiring, passionate and intelligent. Yes, they should not be doormats, but not completely horrifying either. I feel completely terrified by this one superior, and I am angry that I am letting him get away with it. But mostly at myself for not being able to fix a seemingly easy mistake.

As he stood by the piano, tears started rolling down my cheeks. I didn't ugly cry, but rather weeped and weeped, while my nose turned scarlet and my eyes became bloodshot. This isn't supposed to happen. Teachers aren't supposed to be scary, I shouldn't have to live my life in fear over a single song. But it's necessary for now, and all I can do is try. I can try and try and try and only learn how to improve from here.

After his tantrum, I cowered in the bathroom for a long time, crying my eyes out. It wasn't controllable. I hate feeling like this, fragile and vulnerable. Like someone that easily breaks. Those tears didn't stop for maybe an hour, and continued throughout the whole day.

Maybe I am just a crying ass baby. Most people wouldn't sob over something like this, right?

At least friends are good. I never realized how deprived of physical affection I am. Every time someone hugs me it makes me want to cry more. It's all my fault. Sure, my parents don't initiative hugs, but they're not opposed to them. I say I don't like them, but I am lying to myself. Why am I depriving myself of this way to heal? Platonic, romantic or sexual, physical affection is good for you. And it makes me feel loved for once, even though I know there are people who do love me. Hopefully.

I hate the attention that comes with crying in front of others. I don't want people thinking I'm some drama queen or some other shit like that. And I know that maybe they don't, or maybe they do, but I think I just feel frustrated. Mainly in myself for not accomplishing something I truly care about.

Today made me realize how deep my passion for music goes, but also how much hate I can harbor within myself for not living up to what both others and I expect of myself.

I can't let this get me down, I can't let it plague my mind. Some may say I am strong, but I am just weak and vulnerable. I need to confront this awful person tomorrow, and figure out how to fix my mistakes. I am sick of feeling hopeless, terrified and humiliated by this man, but some how I keep letting it slide. Why do I do this to myself? I must fix this, he is not worth any more of my fucking tears.

Later today, my family saw the crow again. This time it was on our driveway, the same sick bird, with blinking eyes and puffed up wings. Now it's gone for the present time being, we'll have to see if it comes back.

5/15/19