the internal storm

ecstasy

The chemistry in my brain likes playing cruel jokes on me, especially when I have deep, compulsive and obsessive feelings and thoughts for someone. Having a crush is like using drugs, you become hopelessly addicted to them and never able to concentrate on anything. Your mind becomes plagued, or perhaps that's not the right word...

Your mind becomes filled with a special feeling you can't escape from. There can only ever be a few possible ways to stop the feeling: to forcibly repress it, end it in a way that crushes your heart and soul, or to slowly distance yourself from the feeling.

I'm in a weird situation because I am holding myself back from what could either be happiness, a rollercoaster or horrible rejection. From what I've reflected on, half of me wonders if it could be happiness, but commitment issues make me think it could be a rollercoaster, which makes me feel both alive and awful. Is it worth going for something that can end in so many awful ways? Worth the pain of being together but not together at the same time?

I hate how I talk about you all the time, hate how I let you fester inside my mind like a disease, or perhaps one of the few reasons for my happiness which is something I dislike because of my disagreement on codependency. It's different since we're friends, if you were anyone else I'd be resentful of your existence, for making me as fucking whipped as I am. If you were anyone else, I'd hate you and want you badly at the same time, but now it's just the latter.

I feel like we have a connection, a deep special one that I have never had with anyone before. You know nearly everything about me and I know a lot about you. But the things that hold me back is the fact that you live over 300 miles away and that we're both to enter a new chapter of our lives soon. I don't want to build something so strong and meaningful when there's so much more opportunities, so much more life to go, for the both of us. I also need real human connection, face to face, touching or just hearing the your voice.

On that one day, I was deeply observing you. Noticing and taking in everything I could before we had to be separated once again. I think you may want this too, or at least used to, you're such a hopeless romantic, but I couldn't allow us to do that. Every time I rejected any gesture or sign or word of more it hurt me inside, but felt necessary for the current places we lie in our lives. You give so much it always makes me feel pale in comparison, for I want to do as much as I can for you too.

A hopeless romantic can dream that one day we shall meet again, not just behind a screen, and make something happen. For both of us to be each other's and only each other's, no one else's. A hopeless romantic can dream that we will spend time together, form an even deeper connection, and stay loyal to each other. But sadly, reality speaks to loudly to me and it's hard for me to put so much faith into that dream.

Half of me wants this, to go for it, even if it hurts, and to live the wildest dream we can. But the other half of me doesn't want to, afraid of losing the chance to explore the sea of humanity. I hate to use the l-word so sparingly but sometimes it may feel like that to me, and I hate how I can't see myself ever wanting more than to live that wild dream, at the cost of my own exploration. But if you have a wild dream, wouldn't you be willing to sacrifice anything for it? Maybe I'm afraid.

I guess I'll be a dreamer for now, internally, but only express rejection and realism externally. This is the best for now, until the situation changes. It may also all be in my head, and you may only see me as your "best bro ol' buddy ol' pal E-dawg". If that's the case I'll never address this again and die alone, with many cats and tarantulas.

11/30/19