the internal storm

worry wart

I am a worry wart. I let trivial details and interactions let me down. Like that one friend who is always hot and cold. Or seeing the one that holds my stupid heart in their hand and being unable to speak, which makes me feel like a fool. Seeing everyone and their friends doing things without me which makes me worry if people truly like me. But then I remember what positive things I have done and how those should be what I really focus on.

Listening to upbeat, calming music helps. Sure, The Smiths and Joy Division are good but they can get a person down. Listening to my "big sad" playlist and sulking doesn't do anyone good, especially me. My "hypomanic" playlist is much better for getting happy. I should notice the positives of certain situations instead of the negatives.

Focusing on the positives, the good parts of life is what I should truly strive for. I need to live in the moment, center myself, and get back down on earth. Remember what you are grateful for, and appreciate the small joys that life offers. We are so caught up in ourselves, our minds and emotions that we forget to notice the beauty in the world. Instead of brooding in the corner of the room, I should get out of my box and actually live.

Get to know people, experience new things and learn about the world. About our society and how it runs. We should ask questions, search for answers in a healthy, meaningful way. Focus on the beautiful things that we take for granted. Fresh water, green grass and great tall trees. That one song that makes you almost burst into tears. The rich flavors and mouthwatering spices of your favorite foods and drinks. There are so many things we don't notice until they are taken away from us.

Of course things are easier said than done. We all have our bad days. Life can be a real bitch, a giant rollercoaster. It can make you feel like you're falling, your stomach nearly coming out of your mouth, or like there is a giant barbell that you constantly carry on your shoulders. Sometimes we may feel like we carry the weight of the world on our selves but it's not true. We are only responsible for ourselves. Without controlling and love oneself, one can't love others.

I often find it difficult to find happiness and confidence. To actually love myself, not just find the wrongs inside. I can never be content, even on the happiest of days, when there is always something that isn't going the way I want it to. When I am responsible for my own suffering, I create a self-perpetuating cycle of guilt and self-hatred, all created by myself. One day, I need to break that cycle, and see the light of the day.

There are many things that may hold us back in life: the inevitability of external issues and the battle of internal issues. We should not let these things hinder us, but instead do something to fix them. Many people have different ways of coping with these issues, some worse than others. The smallest thing one can do is just take a breath and remember where they are. What their body is touching, what they see around them. The certain aches or pressure within our bodies, is it a dull ache or nausea? I know I constantly feel like there is someone squeezing my stomach, where are your pain areas? Grounding ourselves puts things in perspective, of how all our thoughts and emotions are tiny, when compared to the rest of the world.

3/10/19