the internal storm

summer flame

Sometimes I feel like my love life is a giant joke. The one boy I met who has feelings towards me, I like back. Except we can't be together, feelings aren't permanent and are bound to die. Right now, I'm just waiting for the time they do. For you to see me for all of my flaws and quirks and horrible patterns. Staying platonic is the best for the both of us, or else we would both be more miserable. Or at least I would.

I wish long distance didn't separate us, that we weren't like two kindred spirits, torn apart by the forces of the universe. There lays a feeling of longing and sadness within my cardiac muscle, it beats fast and erratic when you come to mind and when I talk to you. I wish it didn't have to be like this, that you didn't live seven hours away from my grasp, otherwise it would be hard to make things work. For me, we need to talk face to face, have physical touch and see each other as tangible, not impalpable.

I don't even know if you like me like that anymore, and it's not like we're going to address it out of fear of ruining a solid friendship. Maybe it's my fear that held us back and now you're over me. I don't want to ruin our deep talks, our common interests and whatever we may be feeling towards each other. It is best to keep things platonic because I don't want to ruin anything.

What even would a long distance relationship entail? Good morning and good night texts? More heart and rose emojis? A little flirting maybe? What can we do together? What do we say to each other? Just exchange the three words that mean a lot to me? We are both behind a screen, not even face timing, communication is a lot easier when it's not in real life.

You always ask me the most interesting questions, make me think deeply about certain issues and topics. We have a lot in common, and also things that aren't. I think that's a good mix, or else being with someone exactly the same would be boring. I need some conflict, but enough common ground to make any type of relationship to work.

I often dream of the future, maybe we could travel together, explore the world and share new experiences. Have late night conversations and do the most spontaneous, random things. I could picture us going on an evening drive: talking about whatever we want to, listening to some good music and driving around aimlessly. Or going camping together, trying to start a fire and setting up a tent without it falling over or catching aflame.

Right now, things are going to stay platonic and I think it's for the best. You're probably over me now, which is unfortunate for me, for as the longer I've gotten to know you, the more I have started liking you. Who knows what the future entails? I hope it's bright. Hopefully we don't lose whatever connection we have, even if it's nothing more than a friendship, which is powerful alone.

9/2/19