My Brothers

Chapter 19: The Chaotic Mess In My Life

E V A N N A

I woke up around 6 because I couldn't sleep anymore. There was too many thoughts in my head and I couldn't think straight. Without trying to wake Jayden up, I slid into the bathroom silently with new clothes and went to shower.

I let the hot water wash over me and I stood there, thinking about how miserable I felt. The words my dad said to me kept running through my mind, stabbing me in the heart.

Why couldn't I be a better daughter?

I brushed my teeth in the shower and washed my face after I finished showering. I grabbed a towel, turning off the water and wrapping it around my hair. After drying myself off, I put on some shorts with a short sleeve shirt, staring at myself in the mirror.

Just thinking about my dad made me so upset. And not to mention, I made my twin brother mad at me. My brothers were probably going to make me eat.

But I can't eat.

I'm too fat.

If I'm fat, I'm not beautiful.

And that's all I wanted to be.

Look at your thighs, the voice in my head said. And your stomach. Gross. You need to be skinny. People will like you if you're skinny.

  You wanna know why your dad hates you? Because you're not perfect. You'll be perfect if you're skinny.

I stepped on the scale.

100 pounds.

Under 100 is perfect. 90 is even better. Have you not seen how pretty skinny people are?

The people who are going through the same thing as you. They're beautiful when they're all bones. Don't you want to be pretty?

Almost immediately, tears pooled into my eyes. I couldn't wear shorts. People would see how fat I am.

You know what looks nice right now? You know what will probably make you happy?

Those razor blades in the cabinet.

Like I was hypnotized, I reached for the cabinet, pulling out the box of razors I kept hidden from everyone.

When was the last time I've done this? It felt so long ago...

No, I can't go back to doing this.

But I couldn't stop myself as the sharp blade slit the skin on my forearm, the blood pouring out. It burned for a second but I remembered, I'm used to the pain. I'm used to it. I'm okay.

The blood dripped onto the sink. I stared at the cut.

One more...

Just one more.

Right under it, I cut myself again, shutting my eyes tightly as I dropped the razor onto the counter, trembling.

I'm so stupid, why did I do this? They're going to find out. My dad will hate me even more.

Regret and shame filled every inch of my body, but I didn't have the time to cry. I had to leave for school soon. I turned on the sink, washing all the blood away. I cleaned the blood on my arm with a paper towel, but it didn't seem to stop.