The Heart Wants What It Wants

11

She lowered her phone and waited, knowing with absolute certainty that he was going to call her.   A few seconds later she answered her phone and willingly began more self-torture.

Hearing his voice nearly made her lose sight of everything she'd wanted to say to him, needed to say, but his first question put her on the defence again.

"Did you have a good night last night?" 

Hearing him ask the previously typed out question made it even more difficult to rein in her emotions.

"I find it incredible that after telling me it's over, after making me cry, and after not speaking to me for a couple of days...you're now asking me a personal question that you have no business asking."

"Did you mean it when you said you loved me?"

"What kind of question is that?" she asked incredulously.  "Have you honestly told yourself that I made that up?  That I didn't mean it?  Of course I meant it."

"Did you think about me?  While you were with him?"

"Draco," her voice cracked a little.  

"Did you?  Did you think about me when he kissed you?  When he touched you?"

"We are not having this conversation."

"If you tell me that you didn't think of me when you were with him, that you've moved on already, I swear to you I will try to let you go somehow.  But I know you haven't."

She could lie to him as she'd done to James about her orgasm but she chose to remain silent.

"Please, I know I don't deserve to hear it but I need to."

"Why do you need to?  Do you realize how twisted this whole thing is between us right now?"

"I know, but I can't let you go without knowing the answer to that question."

"You already let me go," she pointed out.

"I told you I didn't mean it."

"And if I answer?  Then what?"

He was silent for a while before one word was uttered, as though he was asking for mercy.

"Please?"

She said nothing and somehow he seemed to be able to smell blood in the water.

"Did he make you cum?  Did he have to change the sheets because you came so hard?"

"You know that embarrasses me, stop it."

"Don't be embarrassed.  Don't you dare.  That's between us and you have nothing to feel ashamed of.  I want to know if he made you cum."

"I'm this close to terminating this conversation."

"I can't let you go until I know the answer to both questions."

"They're both idiotic questions.  I can't believe all you're concerned with is something sexual."

"I'm sorry if that makes me the worst of the worst but I need to know."

"Fuck," she sighed into the phone.

She thought of John Cusack's many characters she loved, and remembered the scene in High Fidelity where he obsessed over whether his ex has slept with her new man or not.  It felt just as ridiculous to her now, in real life, as it had on her tv screen.  

She said nothing, rubbing her face with her free hand in sheer fatigue.

"Was I in your thoughts while you were with him?"