The Heart Wants What It Wants

15

January was a bit of a rough month, to put it nicely.  

She'd been distant through pretty much the entire month, telling James her hormones were out of whack from going off the shot.  He hadn't seemed to mind and didn't even complain about having to use condoms for protection.  She sensed he thought perhaps she was closer to wanting to start trying than what she actually was.

She'd tried her best to be warmer towards him throughout February, though it passed with no change.

When March brought buds to the flowering trees and the air turned warmer her mood didn't shift out of the winter gloom as she'd hoped.  

Everyone's so damn happy, she'd observed with cynism as she walked to work one nice March afternoon, passing people enjoying spring walks in the sun.

After her boss had gone home for the day and her work was finished, she picked up a copy of a new book and thumbed through it, trying to decide if she was interested or not.  She'd been reading the first chapter uninterrupted for some time, enjoying a distraction from her own life, when someone finally came into the store.

Lowering her book when the bell sounded at the front door, she hadn't expected to see the eyes of the very person who still yet haunted her thoughts and her heart.

When his eyes locked with hers, for the first time in months, she felt a jolt as a familiar pain hit her chest.  Her heart stuttered and came alive.

The pain of not knowing what he'd been doing, what he'd been thinking, if he'd started seeing someone too, if he still thought of her, still loved her...all of it had caused her relentless suffering since she'd cut him off.  It had gotten better at first, easier even, but the peace hadn't lasted.

"Books Draco? I can't see you reading," the girl whined, looking around the store as though completely bored.

And he wasn't alone.

"I read sweetheart," he retorted acidly.  "Maybe you should try it sometime."

The word "sweetheart" made her feel murderous, and her expression changed from shock and relief to anger.  Even though he'd said the endearment dryly, it still bothered her.

"Ugh, why spend hours reading when there's so much other stuff to do."

"Like shopping?" he grumbled, obviously being unkind to the girl.

His eyes hadn't left hers, and though she should have looked away she couldn't. It was as though a giant snake had her hypnotized in its crosshairs, immobilizing her in place.  

The anger in her heart subsided again as she willed him to speak to her, to say something.

She could hardly breathe, remembering how she'd fantasized for months now about what she would say to him if they met on the street sometime.  Here was her chance but now, unlike in her fantasies, she was paralyzed.

"Actually yes," the girl continued.  "I'd rather be doing something than sitting around doing nothing."

Another customer came in, disrupting the dream sequence that was playing out in front of her. 

She gave her usual line without breaking eye contact with Draco, letting the customer know if they needed anything she'd be glad to help.  They acknowledged her and began browsing, freeing her to absorb every detail of him in her mind.  No faded memory of those eyes boring into her could compete with the reality of it.  

"I'm finished," his familiar voice said coldly, severing eye contact with Hermione.  "Let's go."

He didn't bother leading the woman to the door, nor did he open it and hold it for her. He merely pushed it open and walked ahead.  It had been important to him to have manners and open doors, she remembered.  It seemed to be an indication of his deep unhappiness, though she could only speculate.