The Heart Wants What It Wants

16

Something woke her out of a light sleep, and though it felt as though she'd just fallen asleep, she wasn't sure exactly what time it was.

She could feel James moving behind her in bed, and as she sleepily opened her eyes in the dark, she felt his arm moving over her hip.  She lifted her arm, rested it on his strong forearm and closed her eyes again as he scooted against her.

She thought he was simply wanting to be close, but as his hand slowly cupped her breast, she could feel his hardness pressing against her bottom.

She let him move on top of her and opened her legs for him, still drowsy from being awakened.  After pausing to put on a condom he buried himself inside of her.  She let him have what he needed and didn't pretend this time.

He didn't prolong things, content with getting what he needed and then climbing off of her and laying back on his side of the bed.

He has to know this isn't what it should be like, she thought to herself as she realized this wasn't going to work.

She couldn't force this.  

It was hard enough to be miserable herself, but she wasn't going to make him settle for this.  There was no way she wasn't going to make him miserable too.

He was blinded right now for what he thought could work out in the long run, but she suspected that he had been lonely too.  They'd both needed each other.

It made the decision she knew to be inevitable a little less awful to think about.  Even though it would hurt him initially, even he would later see that it wasn't meant to be.    

She let him hold her for a while, thankful when he didn't say anything as she rolled over, other than a good night.  He draped his arm over her as though her presence was comforting, or perhaps he wanted to give her some comfort.

In her sleepy haze she drifted back to sleep, tired of this world and everything in it.

She'd found the surface and had taken a few breaths, but now she just wanted to sink down into the quiet, dark depths, deeper than she'd ever gone down before.

****

The next morning she awoke to the sound of music playing in the bathroom, something he hadn't done for the past couple of months.

As she sat on the edge of the bed, she steeled herself for the conversation she'd never wanted to have.

It wasn't right to put either of them through this when her heart was so messed up.  And while it would hurt, she was prepared to do what was right for him.

She pulled her phone from the charger and dialed the bookstore.  When her boss answered she spoke quietly, explaining that she was giving her notice, effective immediately.  She apologized and told her that her and James were about to break up, and that she was moving.

While Joan was shocked to hear it, she was gracious about it.  She said not to worry about the store, that she would hire someone else.  

"Just take care of you, Hermione.  I wish you well and I know you'll be okay."

She closed her eyes and smiled a shaky smile, nodding her head.

"Yeah, I will be eventually.  Thanks Joan."

When she hung up, she considered what few things she'd brought with her when she'd moved in not so long ago.  

Her furniture and even pots and pans had come with the furnished apartment so she'd only brought toiletries, clothes, and sentimental things, like her books and memories.