Same, but Different

•Chapter XII•

Eren

My head hurt.

There was too much information my brain had to process and it was stressing me out. I didn't remember everything, I knew that, but instead little snippets of my life which may or may not have been important. I had no clue.

I remembered watching Levi ride into Shiganshina, I remembered ranking fourth In my class, and turning for the first time. I remembered having the shit beat out of my by Levi and my tooth growing back after. I remembered fighting, and blood, and the titans. I remembered loving Levi, but I couldn't remember why, and I remembered watching him disappear.

It was like I was just standing there watching as the man I loved just... faded away. He would talk to me, but not to me. It was like he didn't expect a reply, and I don't remember replying. I just waited, watching him and wanting to scream when he slowly went insane, the talking turning to screaming and crying in desperation before he took his own life in front of me, but no noise ever left my mouth.

Hanji had come to take him away, tears in their eyes, and gave me a brief apology. I didn't understand that either. Why hadn't I taken him away? Or screamed for help so maybe he'd have lived? Why did Hanji look so pained when they looked at me, before they'd noticed Levi? I wasn't dead, I was there. So why didn't it feel like I was?

Why did I have to just watch him leave me, forever?

I jolted up as a hand placed itself on my shoulder, recoiling away from whoever touched me.

"H-Hey," Matthew said soothingly. "You're okay, Eren. I won't hurt you."

I nodded numbly, sitting back down as Matthew pulled a blanket over my torso and sat down beside me.

"You're safe here."

I knew I was. To be honest, once I remembered all of the terrors of my past life I wasn't as shaken up by what happened a few days ago. I mean, placing a titan against some brute I easily knew who'd win. But I will admit that it was still scary. Back then I'd thought humanity would be able to live in harmony once the titans were gone.

I let my head fall onto Matthew's shoulder, and he took my hand, tracing circles on it with his thumb. I smiled faintly.

Matthew wasn't confusing. He was kind, and loving, and I knew he wouldn't hurt me. I... I liked Matthew. Maybe I didn't love him, yet, but I liked him.

I opened my mouth, trying to muster up courage to ask my question before closing it again.

"You can say anything," Matthew assured me.

"I want you to sleep with me."

Matthew's eyes widened. "As in what?"

"As in sex."

"Eren—"

"I know what I'm asking for, and I'm not asking because I'm in shock." I promised, "Please."

Matthew bit his lip as he thought, his gaze filled with both worry and desire of some sort. "I don't... I don't want to take advantage of you, Eren. You've just gone through trauma, and—"

"I'm taking advantage of you." I replied, swinging a leg over Matthew's torso and placing my lips softly against his. "Please let me."

"Eren, we can't." Matthew backed away.

I felt tears fill my eyes, clinging to the brunet's shirt. I needed this, to show myself I wanted to be with Matthew. "Please."

Matthew sighed, his hand coming up to gently stroke my cheek. "I'm never going to forgive myself if you wake up and regret this."