It's amusing how no one here appreciates my presence. I mean, no one is mobbing me or even screaming my name. That's a tad bit strange. I'm currently sitting in the park bench, alone, as usual. I don't mind. I find it relaxing that for once I feel like having a day off, even though we do have days off. But this one is different. I don't have one of my best mates to hang around with me. I let my eyes wander around the place as I breathe in and out air. Part of me feels like I've been cooped up in a place where I'm set to be executed, and now I'm kind of free from the shenanigans. Kinda.
My phone buzzed in my pocket and safe to say, no one notices me, so I pick it up, so glad to hear her voice.
"Babe," I said. Even though I look stupid, I still feel the edge of my mouth forming into a smile once I figured out that it was Aila who's calling. "I missed you" I say softly through the line.
"It's only been like two days," she says, "but I missed you too, if that counts" Aila adds, and by now I'm grinning like an idiot.
"Are you busy?" I asked. I thought I could take her out for today, I didn't make any plans, thought of it just now, and I'm hoping she's available. "I was kinda hoping we could go out on a date, today" I voiced out my thoughts before she could even answer. Her voice sounded tired, like she was very exhausted by everything, including me. "I'm sorry, I'm on Nick duty" she says.
"Oh" was all I could think of as a reply. She's been hanging around with her cousin who's visiting here from New York, and I'm not surprised if her mom forced her to do it, her mom's quite the meddler, to be quite honest. I haven't met her cousin before though, but she said he's been here for almost a week now.
"Maybe some other time?" She said. I felt someone sat next to me on the bench, keeping distance but I still felt it's weight. I tilted my head, and tried to listen to what Aila was saying. I see a familiar face at the corner of my eye, and I'm stunned to see the person sitting beside me.
"Luke?" Aila's voice called from the other line.
"Yeah?" I asked. I'm now facing the girl I just kissed twice, a few days ago. My chest swelled up and this heavy feeling occurred inside me, I'm talking to Aila, yet I have Anna beside me, making me come closer to her even more.
"Some other time, okay?"
"Okay," I said, I was about to hung up because I thought Aila was done; but once again I'm proven wrong.
"Luke, I.. I love you" Aila's voice startled what's left inside me, this is it. This is the first time she's ever said she loved me, three months, it took three months. And now I can't find the courage to say I love you too, not now. Why?
"I.. um.. I gotta go" I say and swiped my phone to unlock. Shit, total shit.
My hands were quick to react and now they're covering my entire face. Why now? I'm confused as fuck, I feel like a jerk for not saying I love her back, if I could punch myself in the gut, I would. So I can die, ashamed.
My breathing became heavy, heavier as a matter of fact. That feeling like you've got your heart on your face, that beating you could feel pumping up all over your body, that's what I feel right now, not because of a petty love story, because I'm an asshole. A big asshole.
"You okay?" Anna's voice, so calming and soft came within earshot. I shook my head no. I don't know, I'm not okay. Am I okay? Is okay okay?
"Love problems?" She asked, and I know she's in the middle of giving me a not so full smile, but counted as a smile. I would know because I spent most of my time observing her. This is what happens when a weirdo like me becomes confused as fuck. The littlest things of what Anna does gives me hope, in a way that only I understand.
"Tell me about it" I say, and felt the tip of my lips turn up. See, I'm one hell of a dumbass, one moment I'm emotional, well not so emotional. Just emo. And now I'm smiling because this angel is beside me.
"Ready for tour?" She asked, as she tap her fingertips on the pants that cover her thigh.
"No," I answer truthfully.
"And why is that?" She asked again.
"You know.. our conversation always involves questions, doesn't it?" I smiled "questions from you." I say.
"Well, I bet we have a lot to talk about, yeah?" Anna laughs, I find her laugh cute. Not puppy cute, but girl cute. I never thought I'd say this, but I think I really am attracted to her. I mean come on, who wouldn't be? She's stunning.
"Yes," I say, as I move a little closer to her. And as if her instincts demanded, she quickly moved a little from me. Wow, I do bring such impact.
"Please, don't stay away from me" my voice became weak, and my words sounded like I'm pleading, which I'm kind of am.
"Sorry," Anna said
"I wanted to talk about what happened at the shore," I sighed.
"I thought you were gonna let that go already" She forced a laugh, I can tell.
"I wish I could. But I couldn't" I smiled. "I'm shit" I say.
"You just figured that out?" She mocks. But I can tell she isn't serious as what I thought she'd be. "Luke--" she says, but I cut her off.
"I have Aila," I tell her "and, I know it isn't right.. but.. but..---" I trail off, I could've finish it, but it seems she and I are in a game in which we cut each other off.
"Luke." Her voice struggling, warning.
"I think I like you," And with that, I felt like I finally can breathe. It feels like torn has been removed from me, and I can finally calm myself down, and wait for Anna's response which I'm quite sure is rejection. Rejection. I can't bare handle rejection, but at a situation like this, where I couldn't bring myself to say anything., it seems like I'm brave.
"There. I said it. I like you, I like your eyes, I like your face. I like your smile. I like the way you handle things, I like how you don't give a shit about what people say. And most of all, I like how it feels to have your lips pressed against mine" Word vomit. This is word vomit, shit.
I glance at Anna, and she's wearing a placid expression. I hesitate whether I should put an arm around her shoulder, but I didn't. "Well? Say something"
Hope.
That's what it is.
That torn apart piece of me, just waiting for her to accept my admiration. I find words in my tongue, words I couldn't eben muster to bring out.
"Luke" she called my name again.
And with that, My hope increases.
"We're friends"
In just a split second, all the reliance that bottled up inside me, spilt into the hard cement. Instead of feeling defeated with what she just said, I felt ... I felt pain, pain that caused my anger.
"Friends?" I air quoted. "Are you shitting me?" My heartbeat feels like it's beating from my face, I felt the heat of blood rush through my entire body. And I know for a fact that I am as red as a tomato. So, I guess this is what rejection feels like.
"But tell me, did you ever even felt a little the same?" I sound so desperate. But truthfully speaking, I think I am.
I look up at Anna, waiting for her to reject me once again and I was right. Because she shook her head. This feels like an Australian drama, wherein the lead guy would cry for acceptance, but I won't do that. I'm not low enough to even think of doing that. And with a tiny glance, I thought I saw a tear brushed through her cheek.
This sucked. Cos I wrote this just now. And I feel dramatic. Lol I didn't revised this cos I'm lazy. Forgive me for my typos.
