Hurt

Chapter 13 Poetry

JAKE

Dear Journal,

Earlier today in English we had to learn about poetry, the teacher had us each write a poem to share with the class out loud, we could've either wrote it for a special person or for ourselves, the poem I wrote was called Forever, I wrote it for Haylie, her name was signed on the bottom of the page but when I read it out loud I told the teacher I didn't write it for anyone special and it's not like she collected, I took mine with me. Journal, I am really great when it comes to writing poems, poetry isn't just another way of expressing feelings to me, it's a way of living and understanding freedom, inside and outside of one's confront zone, I've been doing it since I was seven years old, the day that I wrote that " Father" poem and read it in class, I was in second grade going to third grade, I was in my first foster home then and I could still remember the day clearly, the teacher walked up to me and asked me " are you done with your poem Jakie?" and I remember answering "yes" to her and nodded excitedly, that was a young age and I so I don't hate myself for what I wrote down on that paper that day " Ok boys and girls, Jake here is going to read his poem, it's called "Father" and after reading his poem, I think it's fair to say that he has a natural gift so pay attention please ." I remember her saying to the class right before I stood in front of my classmates and read out loud......

Father, for he was supposed to be,

Father, for he will come back for me,

Father, for he I need to finally see,

Father, for with me I wish he'd be,

Father for the baseball games he should've take me to see,

Father for with mommy he should be,

Father I cry everyday when mommy says he's never coming back for me,

Father I wish he'd say a simple sorry before he left me.

Father for you my dreams are you.

Father for things mommy say isn't true.

The whole class clapped that day after I did that and I thought what I did was something but now thinking of that day only makes me feel weak, little kids like me who has to go through what I did, living without knowing their dad in real life is just a sad sorry and then wishing that someday they'll see that stranger that their mom tells them is dad is what pisses me off most, I remember how I burned that poem when I was 14 years old, how great burning that part of me felt, just like I've managed to burn the word father in all places inside of me, my life may not be the best but my real father wasn't there and I'm here now, I certainly doesn't need anyone now, someday if I do become a father, if I'm not dead, I well make sure that it's my life's main goal to be there for my family, to not make the same mistake that my dad made and then it won't matter if Vandedues Miller only cared about putting his stupid name on my birth certificate so that someone who could read could see it.

" if 2x+6x+6x+5." I says " then your answer should be 2x +12x+5" and I give him the paper and pencil to do the rest " how are you so good at this, and what's you secret?" he ask as if it's that unbelievable, as if I used magic to make myself so good at it " well my secret is paying attention in class, it's not hard so you should try it sometimes." and he ask, putting his pencil down " what's your number one goal in life Jake?" and instead of answering I joke instead " well being good at algebra is not it." and he smile and ask sarcastically " really?" and then Haylie walks in with her short jeans, black boots and a white t shirt, her hair in a ponytail suddenly and her smile brighter than yesterday, brighter than this morning " Jordan is here." she says and looks at me " he needs me?" I ask and she says yes and so I tell Kurtis to continue working on the problems and I go down and he isn't in the living room but the front door isn't completely closed, I walk outside and closes the door " what's up." I say and he put his phone away and says " oh what's going on bro?" and I tell him everything is cool and he looks at me like he has no reason to believe me and then he put his hand on his back pocket and take his head out early and as empty as he had put it in but I could tell that there was something in his pocket but he didn't let himself take it out " hey let's go for a ride, me and you." he says " I got money bro so let's go, I'll buy you lunch." He continues as if I care about if he had money or not " Why?" I ask him, with a sudden feeling in me telling me that he's up to something, but then again I'm not always good at telling who's good and who's bad, what's red, what's pink, what's gray, and what's black " because you have been such a great friend to me ever since you've been here, consider it a thank you lunch." and I lock the door behind me " where's your car?" I ask and he show me his car, parking in Ian's driveway and I could tell by how it still looks new that Ian isn't home. We arrive at exactly where Katline and I had lunch before, where we made our big deal, he orders a full box of pizza and wings for both of us, water for drink for me by choice and soda for him " so I have good news." he says after his first bite " what's the good news?" I ask and he ask me if I remember the basketball try out that he had me participate in earlier in school and I answer " how could I forget." and he continues " well coach thinks that you're good and he wanted me to tell you that you made the team." And I get up and give him a bromance hug " thank you so much bro." and he ask after we both take our seats back " so what made you changed your mind about joining anyways ?" and I tell him the perfect cover up story that comes up to my mind first so he doesn't dig himself in a hole " because pretty soon I'm going to be with Katline, she's a cheerleader and I want her to be dating a star like her." and he doesn't say anything, just look at me at in a way that is even hard for me to figure out what it means, he take another slice of pizza, and taste his soda and then he says as he take a napkin to clean his hand of the oil and all the grease " so listen, I want your opinion on something." he says " It's a poem that I wrote." and he reach in his pocket again and take the paper out this time " after this tell me what you think." and he start to read it but before starting he says " I call this poem Forever."

Forever it'll hurt to wait for you,

Forever I'll cry for you,

Forever I'll be hurt for you,

Forever I'll know that you'll wait for me too,

I am hurt not to be with you,

Believe me or not I wish their was more to do,

Forever I'll die for you,

Forever I'll never hide from you,

Forever I'll never lie to you,

Forever I'll cry for you,

Forever my heart won't stop beating for you,

Forever my heart won't stop bleeding for you,

Forever I won't stop breathing for you,

Forever I'll let them call me fool for loving you,

Forever I'll be lost without you.

I know someday I'll tell you that I do.

Forever only you Haylie.

And after reading it he look at me and then he ask " so what do you think, did I do good?" I want to lie and tell him that I don't mean anything that I wrote on the paper knowing that he's being sarcastic but I know that he won't believe me, I don't even believe me " how did you get that?" " you dropped it at lunch along with these, he says and take out two other papers." and hand them to me, paper works from my drama class " explain yourself Jake, I've been all nice to you and all, why Haylie?" and I think of something to say but nothing comes to mind, nothing that would make me look like the victim at least " honestly I don't know what to tell you Jordan." and he look at me and says with what I think is a little of rage " how about you start with why you'll cry for her, why you'll die for her, and how you'll be lost without her ." and I don't answer " I still have nothing to tell you." I finally say again and he gets up and says angrily " well good luck getting home, I'm out, see you in basketball." and he continues just when I thought he was finished " and Haylie and you will never be, not as long as you're both living under the same freaking foster home roof and not as long as I'm still breathing, she'll choose me over your sorry ass any day and any time so do yourself a favor and back off now before you get yourself hurt or before she hurt you." and he walks out finally.

HAYLIE

I hear the door knocks, Kurt isn't here and Kurtis is doing homework, I rush to open up hoping to see Jordan and Jake back home so soon but instead I don't see any of them, it's the guy that I prayed to have had never seen once in my life ever again " Brut and Lina isn't here kind sir but if you would like to leave them a message, I'd make sure they get it for you." I say instead of greeting him and he ignores and says " so that's why Jordan decided to come to this ratchet place huh, you're here." He says and I don't let myself say anything yet " anyways puppy, tell Jordan that I was looking for him." and before he could say anything else, I slam the door in his face and Kurtis come rushing down a few seconds after asking who was at the door and I answer as close to honesty as possible " some lost dog but its owner found him after." And then my phone starts to ring, I answer and it's Jordan " hey." I say and he says hi and then he tell me that he has a poem to read to me " what is it called?" I ask and he says softly and relaxing like " Forever."