LGBTQ+ Struggles

Problem #4

I think the first time I realized that I may not be straight was in third grade. I had a huge crush on this girl, my very good friend at the time. I come from a pretty religious family, so being LGBT+ is kind of shunned in a way. I have always said that I am supportive of the community, but I never thought that I would be a part of it. So I freaked out when I realized that I had a crush on my friend.
I was in complete denial. I prayed all the time, as hard as I could for the crush to go away. I got stomach aches from the guilt. But it went away eventually, so I didn't think much of it afterwards. Surely it was just a phase, right?
Wrong.
So, so wrong.

The next year, in fourth grade, I had a crush on a boy. In my mind, I was straight as a pole. But I realized that once again, I had a crush on a girl. A boy crush and a girl crush now.
At the time, I was struggling with my gender identity. I thought I was trans FTM. After a few months, I realized that I wasn't trans. But I was gay.
I told a few of my friends that I was lesbian, not knowing the word for bisexual or pansexual yet. I think when I figured out the true label for my sexual orientation, it provided a bit of closure, in a way.
But it's hard being a closeted and religious LGBTQ+ person. I have to hide the fact I have a girlfriend, I have to hide the fact I'm in GSA, I have to hide a large part of my identity.
It feels like my family doesn't even know who I am sometimes. I'm constantly cringing every time my dad mentions my future "husband." It make me feel like a disappointment to them, like I failed them for not fitting into their perfect standard for a daughter. But I'm slowly becoming more confident and comfortable with my identity. I've been teased for my identity in the past (despite me being closeted) and it hurts a bit, but I try brushing it off. I hope someday I build up the courage to come out to my family. Not for me, but for my girlfriend.

- ANONYMOUS, ???