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Ride or die
Created by Alpha-black
On 8th April 2019
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Self pitying. Black hole, sinking fast and too deep. After two weeks I finally listened. Listened to Jesse and Bennett cause why not? They told me to feel, allow myself to feel and guess what?
It's just been two weeks. Just two fucking weeks!! It feels like a lifetime and the pain. It's unbearable. I haven't gone to school for a week. Haven't visited Alec for a week. Haven't spoken to anyone for a week. I've been in this empty house for a week, staying in my mommas bedroom, doing nothing but being pathetic.
The sad thing is, she prepared for her death. Left me a whole fucking lots of money, the house and made sure I'll never lack for anything but why can't she understand that I need her. It's hard and it hurts. It hurts so fucking bad.
I stumbled to the bathroom, my vision a little bit hazy. I used the sink to balance myself and when my vision cleared, I took the time to look at myself. Really look at myself.
My once intense grey eyes now looks lighter, like I'm dehydrated. Which I am. It looks dull and lifeless. My lower lip that was once pink is now pale pinkish/whitish and my upper lip, that was once dark brown is now a lighter shade and all chappy. My eyes looks too big and out of place. I try to wash my face and brush my teeth with my shaky fingers.
I managed to take my bath, knowing I can't go on like this but I don't have a will to move on. I feel so alone, the pain so overwhelming to the point where I black out. It's consuming me and I'll give everything for things to be the way it was. For me to see her just one last time.
My head aches and my eyes sting. I was struggling to breathe while trying to control my tears but all that came out was pathetic sobs. My chest feels tight and breathing was getting harder and harder and in that moment I realize. Nothing.
I heard faint footsteps but it was already too late cause the darkness engulfed me and I welcomed it with open arms.
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"Welcome back to the land of the living." I opened my eyes to Jesse's smiling face. Even if it's a sad smile.
She sat beside me on the bed, in what looks like Alec's room. I could hear my heartbeat going faster and memories of Alec clouding my thoughts. Jesse's warms hands brought me out of my- whatever it was.
"How did I get here?" My voice was sketchy and raspy. My words cracking maybe due to the dryness and soreness of my throat. I could feel myself going back to sleep.
"I and Daniel came to see how you're holding up cause being copped up in an empty house for a week after you know isn't healthy at all. Especially after you try not to feel at all. I can't imagine how overwhelming it is so we decided to come check up on you, just to make sure I'm not gonna loose you cause kit. I really can't loose you. You've become a part of me. A part of us and I wouldn't say I understand how you feel cause I don't but you're not alone. Look around you."
And I did. Daniel, Bennett, coach and all of my track team are here, all with teary eyes.
"We can't promise that everything would be okay bro, but we are here even if you don't want us to be cause we are a team and we don't leave one of us behind." Bennett said and they all nodded.
"I have no sweet words for you boy but I do know that we are not going to let you slip through, things are gonna be hard and people are gonna be inconsiderate, life's gonna keep taking and keep coming at you because life isn't fair but the question is, are you gonna get back up and face it heads on or you gonna lie down and roll over for life to keep kicking you like the little pu$$y that you're trying to be?"
I let his words sink in. His voice was hard but his eyes told a different story. It told of a man that have loved and lost. A man that had been kicked too many times but refused to stay broken. It told of a man willing to fight through.
It was then I realized that I wasn't truly alone. My mom might be gone but I am still blessed. I have this wonderful family here that are not ready to give up on me, I have an awesome boyfriend who needs me to be strong for him. I looked at the sweet, little girl besides me and I understood what Alec said about her being the strongest.
She seems fragile but this is a girl that would fight tooth and nail for anyone she cares about. Daniel is a protector, he doesn't talk much but his actions speaks louder. I know he went through all the trouble of my mom's burial, he came to the house everyday to clean. He dealt with the lawyers.
Coach is a father figure to all of us. He cusses and he pushes but we all know he loves us all like his own. Bennett. I know of Bennett's not-so-easy childhood. His made mine look like a playground but he's still here, standing and being strong. He's still able to love despite all and then my teammates. We bicker and look out for each other but them being here is a whole lot of blessing that I can't comprehend but with it came hope.
Hope that I'll be okay. Hope that I'll heal. Hope that Alec is going to wake up and I'll be there for him, I'll keep on loving him like I've always had and in that moment, I nodded to them with tears in my eyes and no words that could describe how I feel right now. In this moment I decided that I'll get back up and I'll make my mom, Alec and everyone in this room proud of me.
"Food,water" I murmur and I watched the concern on their faces turn into smiles.
"Oh! And your question. Daniel brought you here, said you need some Alec's magic." She said with a smirk. I childishly stick my tongue out as she did the same.
"Jerk" I muttered before falling into a deep slumber with a little smile on my face.
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Darn it. I cried at one point. 🙈
Unpopular opinion : drop your IG handles (you better follow my ass back) and how long do you think I should keep my dreadlocks? 😉
This isn't going the way I originally planned but I'm not complaining either cause I mean these characters wrote themselves so I guess that's a good thing. Tho I feel like I'm not really stressing on how it's not just kits mothers death that is waing (someone should help me spell ---- waying ,waing, idk where is auto correct when you need it 😭) heavily on his shoulders but also Alec being in a coma.
I haven't had any serious lose in my life so I won't say I understand. But I know pain and I know depression and all about giving up, I know about healing and revival. You might be hurting and you feel all alone even when you know you ain't but you just don't wanna be okay because sadness is hela addictive. You have to want to be okay to be okay. No matter what you're going through, there's always someone there for you.
Wattpad has made me insecure in a lot of ways but it has also helped. It depends on how you look at it or how you're willing to see it and I guess that's how life is. It depends on the way you see the world.
Hope you had a lovely weekend. I got a nagging kitten but hey😁 can't complain.
Don't forget to take care of yourselves ❤ and thanks for reading loves. It really really means a lot.
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Ride or die |bxb| UNEDITED|
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