It's My Job ×NamJin×

#23

Seokjin ~

"Damn, Jinnie," Namjoon said, seemingly impressed, "That POV blowie is doing great! Better than your others and it's only been up for less than a day!"

I stretched and leaned back on his bed, "I guess I'm just an expert at blow jobs."

"Yeah, okay Mr.'This is only the second time I've ever blown someone'."

"Shut up!" I smacked him lightly.

We decided to watch a movie, as our lives were pretty boring at the moment. '100 Days of Summer' was on, I think, I'm not really sure. I was preoccupied with the man to my right.

I wanted to hold his hand, to kiss and hold him. But I knew I couldn't, could I?

I mustered up all the courage I had, and slowly reached for his hand. I placed it on top, keeping my gaze on the screen as to make it a little less obvious that I was trying to hold his hand. To my surprise, his pinkie interlocked with mine. His gaze didn't falter either, just his finger had moved.

My heart was beating fast, I could hear it in my chest. I prayed to God, as if he'd even listen to a guy like me, that I wasn't getting palm sweat on him. I prayed that he didn't notice me freaking out internally, and that he didn't notice my breathing getting shaky. But if I was able to notice it off the top of my head, he probably could, too.

The movie got boring, and twenty minutes with his pinkie in mine had passed, along with a little bit of my anxiety about the situation.

But the screen had turned black, and then the credits began to roll. A random love song played over them, and out of the corner of my eyes, I saw him turn to face me. I looked down at my lap, "Seokjin," he said quietly. I slowly turned my head up to face him.

We looked into each other's eyes, wanting something, but neither of us seemed to really know what it was. He inched closer to me, keeping my pinkie interlocked with his. I did the same, flicking my eyes from his eyes to his lips. I noticed him doing the same thing.

Even though I expected it, his lips on mine took me by surprise. I stopped for a split second before I realized what was happening, and kissed him back. He finally let go of my pinkie, just to cup my face and kiss me more. I reached my arms around his neck and kissed him back. My lips against his was all I cared about in the moment. Oxygen was out of the question if it would stop our mouths from melding together, but we both needed it eventually. We pulled apart, silently gasping for air.

His face was still centimeters from mine, this time he looked at my eyes. "What are we doing?" I asked in a whisper.

He looked away from me and turned his head to the carpet, "We're fuck buddies, Seokjin."

He turned back to me, but I was focused on my lap. "Is that what you want, Namjoon?"

"I, I don't know." He said, focused on his own lap. "What is it you want?"

I turned to look at him, he did the same to me, "I wanna be with you, Namjoon."

"I wanna be with you, too, Jin."

"So," I pushed some hair behind my ear, "Should we?"

He sighed deeply, this couldn't be the answer I'd wanted. I could feel tears pricking my eyes, "I, I can't. I can't be with you."

"Why not?"

"I couldn't handle being glued down to one person. I-It wouldn't be good for either of us." I looked down at my lap, pulling my sleeves over my hands. I felt his hand on my cheek, "Don't, don't cry, not over me." He said. I was confused as to what he meant until I noticed his thumb wiping underneath my eyes.

I just sighed, "It's fine," I pulled away from his hand. "Namjoon?"

"Hmm?"

"I, uh, I don't think we should,"

"We should?" He made two quick click sounds with his mouth.

"Uh, yeah," I said.

"No more sex," he sighed, "Got it, chief." He gave me a two finger salute and a small smile. I forced one back. "Why not?"

"Sex isn't really something 'friends' do." I answered.

"Are you sure we can't be friends and also make each other feel really good?"

"Yeah," I answered blankly, "I don't really think so."

"Okay," he twiddled his thumbs around. We sat in the most uncomfortable silence ever created for two whole minutes before I spoke up.

"I," I stood up, "I should probably go." I used my thumbs to point to the door as I walled away from the bed backwards. I avoided his gaze at all costs, feeling like I'd burst into tears if we had made eye contact.

"Oh, uh," he scratched the back of his neck, "Yeah, totally."

"Okay," I said as I walked out the door.

"Seokjin?"

"Mhm?"

"Don't, don't make this weird. We're still friends, right?"

I forced myself to look up at him, "Yeah, of course." I gave him a smile and shut the door behind me.

I only got in a few normal steps before I ran into my room and quietly shut the door behind me.

How could I be this stupid!? What did I even expect?! I walked in on him and another guy the other day! Why did I expect for him to want me?

All I'd done was make things awkward and create a tension we couldn't really resolve. I laid it all out there just for it to blow up in my face.

Fuck, but whatever. I could solve this. No tears, no tears. I would give myself one day to cry, and then I would use the rest of my days to get over him.

Sounds like a plan to me. But for now, I let the tears roll off my face as I slid down my door, back pressed against it.

So much for 'no tears'.

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