theres really no end, theres really no beginning-
We met up with Darrayan and Colson at wendys to get food, after Colson took me to his house because in his words " you never really met my father" when in reality i did, once even if it wasnt a proper meeting. i only dont wanna go because i didnt know if he would actually like me or not. i hope he does, he seems really nice.
" are you nervous or something?"
Colson opened the door and walked in the kitchen, i guess his dad was cooking idk
"uhm a little, idk "
he just smiled, as i walked in the kitchen i saw his dad taking what looked like roast out of the oven, i really need to start wearing my glasses more.
"Hey.... Leilani?" his dad smiled at me & i couldnt help but smile back. The resemblance was like omg the smile was the same other than one or two of his dads wrinkles.
"Hi"
i just stood next to Colson, i really want to stand behind him but then theyd think i was anxious or nervous or something, ohh wait i am but i shouldnt show it.
" Are you staying for dinner? Colson never brings me company," then he got closer to me and half whispered
" I think he wants to keep him coming back a secret, but i dont think its working"
as on clue i smiled and Colson just chuckled before say that we should leave his dad to finish cooking.
how am i supposed to take Junes advice and talk to him, not that its hard to talk to him or im scared of him or anything
i just never really talked abt it yea i had a "talk " with Matty abt it but we never really stated what happened. I thought drowning Colson out with alcohol and weed would work but it didn't. Everyone can judge me for it but it happens everyday at least I stopped and im happy I did. it may have taken endless nights of heart ache and tears that were there but never seemed to come out
ive never shared this feeling, its more than hurt, its more than pain. people really dont understand how your heart can hurt its like someone stabbing you from the inside out, youre helpless the only way to take the knife out is for it to go all the way through, which in my case hurts like hell. fuck more than hell. I cant put this feeling i have for Colson into words, I mean I want him more than anything in the world but he hurt me, hurt me to no return. im scared that if he leaves even for a minute that feeling will come back & thats not youre supposed to live your life.
So How Do I Tell Him,
do i say how it hurt first or how much i still want him
do i accept that he might hurt me again but more painful or do i tell him that he is no good for me
but that no good in him is what interest me, i dont wanna change it but i want to explore it
" i wanna talk abt it, what happened" He turned around from whatever he was doing and looked at me with a sarcastic surprised face but then his face fell when he saw that i was being serious.
"you do ? are you sure, i can wait, hell we dont ever have to talk about if you want "
"yea i need to talk about it. i dont really know where to start, theres no beginning & theres no end, i still have dreams about it"
Colson came and sat next to me
" When you left, I felt that you left cause of me, cause i was to young to have feelings for you, to have them as strong as they were. I dont know what told to me to start it but I think it was just the pain talking. So I started it, i started with just drinking a couple sips and inhaling the weed being smoked around me, i thought it wouldnt affect me that much since i wasnt doing alot of drinking and i wasnt even smoking just inhaling. but after i while i got bored just inhaling, i loved the smell of weed and i loved the way my throat burned a little." Colson moved his head on my shoulder
"After about 2 or 3 weeks I figured you werent coming back, & no one was helping this pain i felt. so i did more and i started to gain a tolerance, Matty tried to tell me that it wasnt healthy but he would always end it with but its your choice but its your life im just trying to help, that made it worst because yea it is my choice and i didnt wanna stop. It got to a point were i went to all the partys just to feel it, i hadnt hit rock bottom yet Matty wouldnt let me he was always over my shoulder about everything, he was there when you werent. Matty had told me that he didnt want me at Anthony's party cause he couldnt come, of course i went anyway thank god one of his friends told him i was there, i barely remember it, I was dancing i didnt even smoke that day, he came up to me and like youre leilani right, and he said some pretty bullshit to me to where i was okay with going into another room with him yea i was drunk but i still let some people know where i was going. the surprising thing about it was that we actually talked like talked talked about life it felt amazing but it came crashing down when he started to touch me it was gently at first so i didnt mind but he wanted more & i only wanted you. I craved you, you were the thing that made me feel. I wanted to give myself to you but he was taking that away from me. "
Colson began to gently squeeze my hand and I started to tremble
" I tried to scream and cry and fight but i was fighting a lost cause, all my energy i had i put into you, i was mentally weak which didnt make me physically strong. I remember he kept staying that he didnt want to hurt me that this usually numbs the pain, i was already numb. He stroked my hair as he entered me but not all the way, Thats when you came. I thought you came back for me, I thought you saved me, I actually thought you cared. I was so wrong, Matty told me everything. He told me that he called you, and how you didnt want to come. How he knew that my rock bottom was coming and that only you could stop it, but you caused it. & i still loved you. I resented Matty for the one time that he wasnt there, but he was there in the shadows. I think thats why he doesnt like you because you never told me the truth you just left again, but this time Matty knew never to leave me alone and think of you."
I moved from under him so that we werent touching anymore
and while a couple tears came down my face all i needed to know was why
" why didnt you tell me it was matty that saved me and not you? was it because you was afraid of what id think of you? it wouldnt matter, you wanna know why. cause its the really great painful thing called love. in my eyes you could never do wrong"
i dont know wether to leave or to stay, to tell him not to touch me or to hold me tight. so i just sat there limp
he tried to explain to me why but it didnt stick, i just laid there in his arms like i always wanted to but i never thought that this would be the feeling that i had.
P.S sorry its so short & i didnt update sooner
