darling hold me in your arms the way you did last night,/ i could look into your eyes until the sun comes up- Ed Sheeran
its been about 4 and a half months since i got the news of Junes baby
My mom and sister met June and Colson but not Darrayan, She changed her mind about Colson after actually meeting him. My sister likes to watch Alex sometimes, all they do is play. I think everything is finally coming together. I even started talking to matty again but its every now and then. The only bad thing is that Junes about to have her baby although babys are wonderful, Colson said he wasnt staying to raise him. I didnt push and ask what he meant and where he was going did he have another house or if it was in a different state. We've been spending like everyday together and im enjoying it. he usually picks me up from school and we go to that cafe he took me to on my birthday. All he talks about now are baby books and what you arent supposed to do. He brought up breast feeding one day and i dont know how but me breast feeding my not even developed kids question popped up, i never answered.
He is going to make a great father i know it, After he leaves I hope he visits every now and then Darrayan would probably kill him if he doesnt. Colson has about 15 books on how to care for a newborn or potty training, the terrible two's etc and thats just the pile he read there is another pile of i dont know what but its alot of books.
Colson is so heavy but by now im used to it after about 2-3 hours after i get out school he is tired, so i usually just bring him home and i leave sometimes but most times he doesnt want me to leave him or in his words " Leilani promise me you wont ever leave me, and if you ever think about it you promise to tell me" I first i didnt promise but i thought about how he would make it without me......he wouldnt
but its funny cause he'll be leaving me soon about a month from now he wont be here anymore
he'd be the one who left not me. This time i cant hold it over his head, i understand why he is leaving there is nothing good for him here.
"Mhm Stop What Are You Doing"
oh how i wish he was this clingy when he is not tired...or drunk.
"I have to pee colson move"
He still didnt move from on top of me, its weird how he is cuddling me like a girl would cuddle a life size teddy bear.
I pull his hair to make him move
"Im gonna bite you if you dont stop Leilani"
I didnt stop until he tried to bite me but at least i got to get up and use the bathroom. he is so annoying
"Stop wake up"
I hate when he just sleeps and im up its like im a creepy peeping tom. I must stay up all night its Friday and im really excited for the weekend. He slapped my hand away. i wonder why he never sleeps on his back always his stomach but im not complaining
his back muscles are so sexy
if only he wasnt so light he really needs more sun maybe im just saying that because im darker than him.
"Colson get up im serious, if you dont i might as well leave."
he grabs me so i cant move from the bed then he lays horizontally on me
" Youre not leaving me"
i wasnt going to leave maybe leave his room but not the house. I dont know what ima do when he leaves, i havent been without him for more than 12 hours. Its probably going to hurt more this way and texting/calling isnt going to feel the same buttt we have responsibilities and we need to fulfill them, until then ill spend all my time with my big baby.
"Fine ill get up just stop grabbing my ass"
his butt is so adorable its like a little bubble, he hates when i touch or talk about it.
"See you playing cause if i did that to you youll get mad. thats double standards leilani"
I just laugh, i really enjoy this guy
this feeling is weird and its kinda makes me anxious.
2-3 weeks later
I have a bad habit of being pessimistic, everyone hates it
Colson gets the most frustrated when i am. he gets mad at me but he doesnt yell at me which makes my pessimistic-ness worst cause i dont know how angry or upset he is. And thats where we are now, he is ignoring me. he usually does it for about an hour but its been like days, im not the type to beg you to talk to me so i just go on about my day without him. It kinda saddens me after school because im mainly with him. Is this what its going to feel like when he leaves. Which makes me angrier cause he knows June is due any day now but wants to fucking ignore me.
Fuck Him I Hate Him For Making Me Feel This Way.
Ari thinks its stupid that we hung out everyday she says its going to make the distance worst but i guess we dont need distance to be apart.... at least i have KeShaun who tells me to be the bigger person and go see him
Im glad i have them i get the mature answer and the reality answer but as always ima do something in between. It is stupid so this time apart should help the distance process but i will see him when the baby is born. see its a win win, i just wish that itll feel like a win. I know i cant put my life on hold for him, im better than that. Maybe this is just that teenage years love kinda like the notebook but not the growing old together thing. ehh i dont know anymore
i should really get up, or maybe i should just cancel his "dinner"
i know for a fact that Ari and KeShaun arent taking me to dinner
"Hey *cough* Ari? hey hey *cough" im so good at this
"Leilani get off your ass and get dressed im at your house talking to your mom. Youre not good at being sick"
Fuck i really dont wanna go, maybe i can just leave like this
Nope just kidding i look awful
"Hurry up" no knock or anything gosh i love her.
"Im not wearing this" Ari threw me
a long royal purple dress with these flats, like im about to wear that
"Shut up, did you even take a shower today ?" wtf kind of question is that of course i did
"Why wouldnt i?"
"Cause youre like the average depressed teen who never gets out the bed to even shower"
im not depressed....maybe sad but not depressed
Ari finally got me into that dress and we are pulling up to restaurant its to pretty, maybe we are going to dinner.
"Lei Lei for a heads up we are meeting someone here ok"
meeting someone? i wonder who it is, what if its Colson ill go home if its him but Ari wouldnt invite Colson KeShaun would. so i know it isnt Colson.
Ari grabbed my hand and dragged me over to the table because i was walking to slow.... she just walks fast.
"Oh what a wonderful day my great buddy Leilani"
is it bad that my heart didnt race, i didnt become sweaty, i wasnt even upset but i was not expecting to see Sebastian again at least not like this.
"Yea how wonderful"
Sebastian has cleaned up some since the last time ive seen him.
he dyed his hair black, he looks better this way. Black hair Grey eyes Facial hair he has always been toned but looks to have a little more muscle. Its weird cause we arent friends we only met once but i noticed all his differences
"How has Colson been"
Colson ? what does that have to do with anything i dont understand why im here it feels like a intervention or something
"no answer ? i couldve guessed that."
"Ari what is this like a blind date"
she laughed but he just got serious
"this isnt a fucking blind date, i dont like you. i didnt come here for bullshit"
oh wow angrier, im actually kinda hurt.
"Oh uh huh so why you here then"
he shifted uncomfortably
"I dont fucking know. Ari why am i here"
ari didnt answer for a couple minutes
"Sebastian knows stuff..............., i found out what he knows............, i cant tell you cause its not in my power, but hopefully Sebastian can. Cant you?"
he ranked through his hair and ari played with her fingers. i want to know they have to tell me
"Tell me, i wanna know"
they didnt even begin just sitting there, they didnt even say anything to the waiter. im starting to get nervous it must be something big.
"Uhm fuck i cant do this here."
it has to be something huge if it looks like Sebastian is having a problem saying it.
"why cant you just say it now? what is it"
he got up and left.
"Leilani come on, i needa take you somewhere." i looked at ari to see if its okay then i held out my hand for her
We pulled up by the woods in an abandon parking lot.
"Why are we here"
Sebastian just got out and sat by the curb with his hands in his face
this really must be eating at him
im concerned for him
"Hey sebastian its okay if you dont tell me, ill be fine." Ari is starting to get antsy, im freaking out wtf is it that makes them act like this the two most opinionated people ive met that never stop talking now has nothing to say. i really dont understand
"Fuck Ari. I thought we werent telling her."
"Did you both find out together."
Ari shook her head, her eyes started to watery before i hugged her.
"We cant just sit here in the dark and not say a word."
Ari went to the car
"Leilani i dont know if i should tell you, not that i dont trust you i do but fuck this is on Colson. But if i leave it up to him youll never know, you have a right to know. I still cant wrap my head around what happened."
then he took my hand and squeezed it. Ughhhhh this is making me crazy wtf happened he makes it seem like we are friends ive only met him once ari is fucking crying colson did it i guess
i feel bad auras and vibes i dont know if i really want to know. i still cant get over Ari crying a girl ive known for years who ive only seen cry maybe five times over at least five years. The girl i look up to for strength wow
"Can you take me home, i dont wanna know just please take me home."
and that night i cried and cried and cried for nothing and everything. for knowing id must have been something horrible but not knowing what.
