YOU NAME IT

"Quest for happiness."

"Ok Hassan, it's been a few months since you furiously quit writing. Few months this writers' block has persisted, since anything likable or merely sane enough to be jotted down has wandered around in your tired mind. Few months since you enjoyed life.

How you used to be determined enough to avoid the void, to look at the absurd, and keep the horrifying thoughts at bay, how you were able to live this life, how you used to have a job, how you used to be able to crack jokes, how love seemed like a high worth the fall; but the absurd eventually catches on doesn't it?

But it's time. You can do this now. You've got to try again now, or else, the last string that's keeping you attached to the world of your younger days, the world where everything was possible, a world of kids who dreamed they can change the world will be cut off, and then 10 years will pass, and you'll be working in a textile plant, wearing a suit and a tie to parties full of boring people you secretly despise you bitter old man. And you'll remain that way, like most people around you.

If you don't do this now, you'll have your last naively, yet shiny, held belief that things could be better, that one day you'll walk down the road feeling like you've finally figured life out, broken. And then you'll start to fall down a pit of numbness waiting for each mundane daily task to finish so you could get on with the next mundane daily task. And maybe one day you'd even forget you're in a pit, cause you're so caught up with it that you grow accustomed to it, give it meaning.

I'm pretty sure the philosophical ideas that you like are back, and if they aren't, it doesn't even matter. Doesn't matter if you're just lying to yourself that you like what you're writing, it doesn't have to be perfect, what else is perfect in this world?

I know that you want to do something that's revolutionary in the world of philosophy, to have your book in the hands of people, not because it'd make you rich, but because you wanna show the world the alternative to this life that many are not happy with. Desperately trying to set a goal that you're not disgusted with.

But you gotta know that nothing grand will ever happen in this life, to know how childish it is to think you'll get to the height of success, and even if you do, it'll magically make you feel happy and fulfilled.

You gotta know that you shouldn't expect a grand gesture from anyone, or from this weird thing called life, to not expect this shit to make sense. You've to acknowledge how dangerous it is to be a happy optimist.

Be someone who doesn't give into the feelings that one day everything will be shiny and glorious and make sense. I need you to know that anything which seems important at first, loses its importance once it becomes true, as if it was only desirable while it was unreachable. Think of how impatiently you were waiting for that pizza to arrive, and once it did, you just took a few bites and then left the rest untouched, unwanted, alone in the middle of the living room. Remember to not get your hopes up.

But then again, if I feel no extreme, and deny myself any kind of emotions, not even wishful thinking, what worth Is this life? If I wipe out feelings, then, what is left of me but a sexy shell that used to be cheerful and sad as fuck at the same time?

I don't know what I want. I don't know what I should want. I don't know if anything has the power in it to satisfy me or put a grin on my face. I don't know if there's even anything I should want. I don't know whether life is a painting which depicts an open, lifeless field that rabbits occasionally run into with a black, empty background, or it's genuinely capable of happy endings. Like those in Disney's cartoons, happily ever afters.

But then again no one talks about the day after the happy ending.

I don't know if others who look like they've got their shit together, the so well adjusted, are faking it cause it's shameful not to be happy, or they actually feel something profound in within. I don't know if happiness is feasible. I don't even fucking know if there's an answer to these questions, and if there aren't, why am I even asking them?