With Courage [Prince Caspian]

Chapter 11

If possible, I'd recommend listening to an ocean thunderstorm playlist while reading this chapter. It certainly helped me while writing it.

Caspian was suffering. In the last few days he had rarely spoken, choosing often to stay within the confines of his office or on the deck until somebody (Drinian, for the most part) physically took him away. Our morning sessions had dissolved, each strike a weak tap and half of his time was spent glancing out of the window and letting the waves wash away his train of thought, so now they've ceased without a word. With each passing day, he looks worse.

Usually his stories are so vivid; I know about Althea his nurse, who first introduced him to Narnian stories, and his tutor Doctor Cornelius, who saved his life. I know of his first interactions with Narnians and High King Peter. He's recounted his travels through the Seven Isles with such detail that the clarity with which I can imagine them often makes me believe that they were my own memories. Now he loses track with each sentence and it appears like nothing can shake him from this cloud of despair that has consumed him.

On the seventh night of the storm, I find out why.

"We're stuck at half rations with food and water for two more weeks maximum. This is your last chance to turn back Your Majesty. There's no guarantee we'll spot the blue star any time soon, not in this storm." Drinian says. I'm crouched in the hallway, leaning as much of my weight on the wall as I can while ensuring that I can make a quick getaway. I'd rather not have them find me eavesdropping like this. "Needle in a haystack, trying to find this Ramandu place. We could sail right past it and off the end of the world." He continues.

"Or get eaten by a sea serpent." I hear somebody, Edmund it sounds like, supply. Another nightmare to add to the list,I think.

Somebody sighs heavily. "I'm just saying the men are getting nervous. These are strange seas we're sailing, the likes of which I've never seen before." A chair scrapes across the floor suddenly.

"Then perhaps, Captain, you would like to be the one to explain to Mr Rhince that we're abandoning the search for his family." It's the most I've heard Caspian say all week, and in a tone so scorched with anger that I fear he'll turn things physical.

Silence. I press closer to the wall. "I'll get back to it." I hear Drinian say, just before his silhouette comes into view in the glass door. My breath hitches and I stand as quick as I dare, crossing the hallway and towards the stairs that lead down to the berthing deck. "Just a word of warning, the sea can play nasty tricks on a crews mind. Very nasty." I hear the door open and slam shut, then a distant set of footsteps leading up.

It's time.

I've grown more restless with each passing day. Everything is surmounting into a terror more terrible than anything the ocean could reveal from its depths, but only I can see it looming over the Dawn Treader waiting for the right moment to drop. Nobody has let me do anything. Lucy and Gael have the same issue, though at least they have distractions. Lucy, forbidden from rowing or going on the deck like me, is preoccupied with keeping Gael as happy and calm as possible while Rhince helps to stop us all from dying horrible deaths and Gael is eager to let her, snatching any activity or game Lucy can come up with to sooth her overactive mind. Eustace has also been encouraged away from helping, not that he ever planned to. So far, he's been perfectly content to isolate himself and scribble furiously in the notebook he keeps in his sock.

While I'd love to do the same, lock out the world until it's only me and my sketchbook, I can't concentrate. It feels wrong. Every time I have tried to draw there will be a crew member entering the room soaking wet or another so tired that they can barely hold their arms up. I'll hear yelling during the day and empty stomachs rumbling during the night and drown in guilt. I don't deserve the luxury of having endless hours to draw when these men are risking their lives every single day for those on this ship. I want to do the same – I need to contribute.