Been Here All Along

43| teen

"When you said your last goodbye, I died a little bit inside. I lay in tears in bed all night, alone without you be my side." - Kodaline

   Everything in this city reminds me of Ian. From our high school, to Westchester, to the random forests we've explored together. My entire room was covered in memories of him.

   I was in the middle of staring at the poster from his prom proposal senior year that my mom had brought over, along with a box of other stuff involving Ian. I left a lot of it with my parents at their house when I moved out, in attempt to move on easier.

   The scenario is a little different this time. I don't want to move on from Ian. I want to hold onto every ounce of his memory for as long as I possibly can.

   "Josie," Kaila knocked briefly, then pushed my door open. "Hayden is here to give you something."

   She stepped aside and allowed Hayden in my room.

   I left the luncheon considerably early yesterday. Being at Westchester is hard for me. A good portion of my memories with Ian were made there. I obviously was sure to say goodbye to everyone that mattered, but I didn't bother to make conversation with really anyone.

   "Hey, you forgot something yesterday." Hayden handed me an envelope that was addressed to me. It was the note that Tommy and Steven had given me. Hayden grabbed it for me, and I totally forgot to retrieve it from him. "Listen, Jos, I don't know what it says, but if you need someone to talk to or just someone to keep you company after you read it, I'm a phone call away."

"Thank you," my voice cracked weakly as I stared at my name on the envelope written in Ian's handwriting.

Hayden nodded and kissed the top of my head before leaving, quietly closing the door shut behind him.

I set the envelope down on my bed and paced back and forth in room for several minutes, prepping myself for whatever the contents of this envelope from Ian could be.

   He never told me that he wrote me something.

   Hesitantly, I picked the envelope up and opened it carefully, careful not to tear over his handwriting. I'm practically going to be hoarding everything that reminds me of Ian for the rest of my life.

   I took a seat on my floor, unfolding the note in the process.

Dear Josie Elle,
   If you are reading this, then just know I am sorry and I love you. If you are reading this, that means I have died in war. I don't know when or how, but I am gone. I am so sorry to put you through this pain that I can't even imagine you are feeling right now. I died loving you though, Jos. You were the love of my entire life, and I would have it no other way. I know you are probably sobbing while reading this and have been crying since you found out, but I hope you are happy and smiling again one day soon. You have such a beautiful smile and laugh and it'd be a shame to leave the world deprived of it for long. This may seem like the end of the world, but I promise you it isn't. I don't know where we are in life right now, but I do know you have so much life ahead of you and so much to look forward to. Great things are going to happen to you, I just know it. I will always be watching over you as your guardian angel. You can't stop living, okay? Live for yourself, live for me. For years, you've always called me the light of your life, but, baby, I want to see you light up your own life like you lit up mine. Live out your dreams. Take comfort in knowing I have always loved you and I will love you from up above forever. I've told you I love you endlessly, and I mean it. My love for you is never ending. I don't know where we are when you receive this letter, but regardless of if we ever got married or not, please know I will love you longer than death do us part. And I want you to fall in love again and find that with someone else, so long as you never forget about me. I love you endlessly, Josie Elle Pappstein.