Been Here All Along

47| finale

"Sometimes I feel like giving up, but I just can't. It isn't in my blood." - Shawn Mendes

*9 months later*

I stopped seeing my therapist 10 months and 8 days after Ian died, February 16th. We both strongly believed that I could hold myself together and therapy was no longer completely necessary, which it wasn't. I got a job, I was socializing, and I was building a relationship with Mason without even realizing it. I was mentally healthy.

   My baby boy is due in only two weeks, and I was back at the therapy center I used to go to twice a week.

My mental health is completely shot, though I hate to admit it aloud.

"Josie, come on in. How are you?" My old therapist, Dr. Deb Palmer, asked as she led me to her office I used to spend a lot of my time in. I shed a lot of tears in this room as well.

"Not well," I sighed, honestly.

"What's up, dear?" I slowly took a seat across from her on the comfortable couch. It's hard sitting with a stomach the size of a whale.

"Everyone keeps asking me that question, every single day, and I say I'm fine. My husband doesn't even know I'm here right now because I feel so guilty to tell him what is really going through my mind."

The only person that even remotely knows how I feel is Kaila, but barely. All I have told her is I'm scared to have my baby. Not why.

"What is really going through your mind?"

I placed my hand on my stomach that my baby was almost done growing inside of and frowned. "I'm scared that I'm not going to love my baby because it's not Ian's."

It is such a genuine fear, which is what frightens me even more. I love Mason, but I will never love anyone the same way I love Ian, and what if that means I can't have kids because I won't be able to love them the way they deserve to be?

"That's not abnormal at all, Josie. I've seen many cases of women who have lost a loved one and are scared to move on in this aspect. However, speaking to you as a mother instead of a therapist, birth is a magical experience. There is a baby inside of you that has grown within you for nine months. When you meet him, your whole world is going to change. I understand your fear, it is not irrational, but talk to Mason about it. Don't be afraid of your fears. Take them head on."

"And if I don't love my baby?" I can handle telling Mason what is going through my head; he is so understanding, especially all things involving Ian. But I can't handle giving birth to my son and not feeling any need to nurture him.

"It just means you're not ready, and it's okay. With time, you will adjust. Take everyday step by step."

Step by step. That's what Kaila told me when I found out I was pregnant in the first place. One step at a time, I will conquer this pregnancy and I will conquer parenthood.

This baby may not be Ian's, but he is mine, and he is Mason's, who has been a wonderful husband these past three months and will be a great father.

I can do this.

~•~

It's the week the baby is due, so Mason took the whole week off of work to be sure he'd be home and ready to take me to the hospital in case our son decided to make a surprise appearance.

It's a good thing, too.

I was placed on strict bed rest two days ago by my doctor for health reasons involving me and the baby. With the Fourth of July being today, Mason decided to get us a hotel at the Miller Inn so we could still be around people for the holiday.