Been Here All Along

39| we

"The memories of waking up next to you everyday burn in the back of my head and it was all I could think about when people told me to go to my happy place but now those memories haunt me, taking me to my worst place: a reality without you." - Pawkers

I could barely sleep a wink last night. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw Ian, but not his usual upbeat and happy self. It was just Ian surrounded by darkness, incapable of speaking.

Before I knew it, the sun was up and the following day had come. I'm scheduled to work today, but I have feeling Mr. Westchester can assume I won't be coming in.

"Josie," Anthony said before walking in my room. Last night, after he brought me food that I couldn't bring myself to eat, he decided he didn't want to leave Kaila and I alone and slept on the couch. "Mom and Dad are going to the airport to get Ian's family, okay?"

"Okay."

"They are making the funeral arrangements today."

"Okay."

Anthony sighed softly before nodding and seeing his way out.

I think it breaks his heart seeing me like this, so dull and in so much pain, and I try to fight it and be stronger, but it's so hard. I'm either an emotional wreck or I'm void of emotion altogether. It's hard fighting a sadness that is consuming your entire being.

I picked up my phone and called the person that promised he'd be there for me no matter what.

   "Hey, Josie," Joel chimed. Hearing his voice made me feel a little better, as it usually has for the past few years. "You good?"

   I shook my head, no, as if he could see me. "Ian died, Joel." My voice cracked and my heart ached.

   The movement on the other end of the phone stopped, and that momentarily included the soft sound of Joel's breathing. "H-he — really?"

   My lip began to quiver so I started bouncing my leg in attempt to control myself. "Yes."

   "Josie Elle, love, I'm so sorry," he said genuinely. "I-I wish there was something I could say or do to help you."

   "You're doing enough just by talking to me," I assured him. It was true. Just hearing Joel's voice made my process of mourning a little bit easier.

   "He was a great man, Jos, and I'm glad I got to meet him. I'm always here for you, okay?"

   "I know." He's proven that time and time again. I broke his heart, ending things with him to be with Ian, yet he still cares so much about me and is here for me while mourning the loss of the man that I left him for. It speaks volume for Joel's character.

   "Tell you what, Jos... I have to go, I have a game tonight and it'll be on TV. I want you to watch, can you do that?"

   I nodded again, stupidly. "Of course."

   "When you have funeral arrangements, send them my way, okay? I want to be there for you and the others."

   "Thank you, Joel."

   "In a completely platonic way, I love you, Josie. You are a fighter, you can get through this."

   I rubbed the back of my hand over my face to wipe my tears away. "I love you, too, Joel."

   I ended the call and immediately received a text regarding the information about Joel's game tonight that'd be on live television.

   Later that day, after Ian's family finished arranging the funeral, we all met at the lounge at Westchester to watch Joel's game.