Anti-Academy

Family Night

The movie is so loud. Max and Marie are laughing so much. Popcorn is spilling out into the couch. Insults are flying, fingers are being pointed and names are being called. It's a typical sibling family night.

Yet here I am sitting on the outside of the couch. The furthest space from them as possible. Watching them laugh at another joke the movie makes that I don't get. My mind is spinning trying to understand what's so funny yet sounds so stupid. Maybe that's the funny part. That it's so stupid? Is stupid funny?

I sigh quietly in relief as the ending credits start. Immediately getting up I walk over to the movie shelf listening as they discuss what they loved most about the movie.

I'm so focused on looking for a movie; something I might enjoy that won't seem so childish to them that I don't even hear them saying my name. But a touch to my shoulder has me flinching and automatically reacting.

My eyes widen in shock as Max's quick reflexes prevent my hit from connecting. Not only did I almost hit my brother but I was not paying any attention like Sergio had been teaching me.  I yank my arm from Max's tight grip and take several steps back, my chest heaving.

"Sang?" Marie tentatively takes a step closer and frowns as I take another step back. I'm ashamed that I almost hit them. 

I told Sergio that I didn't want to hit anyone. I argued that point the hardest, I begged and pleaded that I not have to be taught that skill despite how wonderful it feels to be in control and protect myself it isn't worth turning in to her! I don't want to be a monster. 

What if it's in my blood to love making others hurt? Physically, Mentally or Emotionally... intentionally causing harm to another person just to make myself feel more powerful and in control. To become a monster like her. It's just not worth it.

"Sang? What's going on?" Max crosses his arms in that 'I'm not dropping this issue until I understand the whole story...so start talking' kinda way. Needless to say I've been on this end of that stare down before. It doesn't bother me near as much as it does Marie.

Shrugging my shoulders I try to side step him but he blocks my path and takes a step closer every time I take a step back. He does this until he has my back against the movie shelf with no where to go. As much as I love them I still hate when they move into my space. When someone is this close it's harder to get away when they start to reach out and touch me.

"Sang, you didn't even watch the movie tonight. You wouldn't sit by us and you never said a word. I don't understand. Last week we had a blast... Right?" Marie whispers softly. She looks so crestfallen that my first reaction is just to placate her, deny the change and make an excuse. But I can't seem to do that tonight. I need things to change.

I feel more stifled here in this huge mansion surrounded by the people that claim they love me than I did in a house where I knew I was hated beyond understanding. The thing is I feel worse feeling like this than anything their mother could've done to me. How is that even possible?! Being tortured was easier than being with the people who love me?!

Really! Sang get a hold of yourself. Stop being so depressing and self criticizing.

"Sang." Max waits until I meet his eyes before continuing. "So much has changed recently. We know that you're still adjusting and hurting even though you're trying to show us that you're strong." Max holds out his hand to me. "There's no doubt about your strength. You're the strongest person I know."

Gently I place my hand in his and allow him to pull me over to the couch. Even though he's still a little too close for my comfort, I force myself not to move. Even as my skin begins to tingle and crawl with anxiety and unwarranted fear with their closeness I force myself to stay put.

"We told you, all of us, that when you figure out what you want we would make it work. Have you decided what you want?" He looks so calm at first glance but I know Max like the back of my heart. He's terrified of my answer. I know he and Marie worry that once everything sinks in that I will want to cut ties with them. That I will blame them for not figuring it out sooner. They couldn't be more wrong. But only time will relieve that fear.

"Sang, darling! Is that it? You want to do something different?" Marie looks more excited; the fear not as notable in her eyes now.

I nod slightly and watch their reactions. Marie immediately moves to sit on the floor in front of me. In a few months she won't be able to pull that move off as easily. Max stiffens as if getting ready for an electrical shock.

I take a deep breath before grabbing both of their hands in mine and closing my eyes. "I want to go to school." They immediately withdraw their hands from mine. I allow the whispered words to float in the air for several minutes before I attempt to peek my eyes open.

Marie is crying into her hands softly without sound. Max's chin is touching his chest with his eyes closed tightly. He looks like the entire world was just lifted off of his shoulders as they sag in relief.

I gently place my hand out to touch his face. I can't deal with Marie's breakdown right now or I'll start crying too.

"Max." I say before laying my hand on his cheek. "I know it will take time and a lot of work. But I would like to know what going to school feels like. I want to learn with kids my own age." Once I start I can't stop. "I want to be normal for a little while and do things other kids my age are doing. Like go to the mall, go to the movies, watch a concert, or even hang out at the beach. I just want to be me. Well, once I find out who that is."

Max's eyes meet mine with a determined gaze. "I'll make it happen sweetheart. You'll get to love your life soon. I will work out everything."

Marie is still quietly crying. So I embrace her pulling her to my chest and trying not to flinch when her arms wrap around me tightly, returning the hug.

"Sang, Darling! I didn't even think about all the things you haven't done in life. What you haven't experienced yet. I'm a total dolt for not realizing before now that you've never once were able to just be a kid. I'm so sorry!"

Afraid that the sobbing will start again I squeeze her face gently between my smaller hands. "Marie. What was done is done. It can't be changed. But my future is unwritten. I can do all of those things and more... I'm finally free. Thank you...for coming back and finding me. For saving me."

Once she nods we look at Max. He's staring at us with a strange look on his face. It isn't one I have seen so I don't recognize it. He wraps his big arms around us and pulls us both into his lap. "Let's live then shall we?"