What I Wish Happened

Chapter Twenty-Two

I step onto the stage and wave to the crowd, Ellen stands as I reach her and pulls me in for a hug. I sit on the sofa, and look towards her, "Nova Founders, the past four years has been a whirlwind for you career. Your new album that was released last month is on the top of charts, you can't go on to any radio station without hearing one of your songs," I nod along and smiling, with the occasionally giggle.

"I know, it's been mental, I honestly couldn't do it without such a strong support from my friends, family and most importantly my fans, they've all been utterly amazing." She nods and smiles, "Obviously, your brother and Meggie B are expecting, it's only a couple of months now, isn't it?" I nod and smile "Yes, they had a gender reveal the other day and I'm going to have a little baby nephew and I am so excited! They are so excited, they are decorating the nursery, my parents are practically jumping for joy about becoming grandparents, we are all so excited." I laugh to myself, she nods and smiles in return.

"So more on your personal life, you obviously, have been attached to Leonard Black the CEO of Black Enterprises, what do you think of his engagement?" I talk a deep breath and look down at the chain around my neck that is attached to the ring from Paris. "Um... I haven't actually met his fiancee, Emily, but his sister says she's lovely, and she makes him happy, so I am happy for them both, because his happiness is my priority." The audience and Ellen all let out a simultaneous 'aw' and Ellen leans over and squeezes my hand in hers.

"What are your thoughts on people theorising about what your newest album is about?" I take a deep breath and run my fingers along the chain around my neck, "No matter what I do, people are going to judge and theorise. No matter how much I would like to change that it's not going to happen, and I've accepted that, but I understand why their theories are about me and Leo, it's understandable, neither of us have ever really commented on the rumours about what our relationship, is or was."

I look to my hands avoiding the sympathetic looks from everyone in the studio, "would you like to comment on those rumours?" I look up at Ellen again. "Leo is the best thing to ever come into my life, he is inspiring, he is funny and one of the strongest people on this planet, and I would not be who I am or where I am without him. But I have never called him my boyfriend, he has never called me his girlfriend and yet I can honestly say I love him with all my heart." Ellen looks at me as I lift a glass of water to my lips.

"Have you ever been in love with him?" I set down the glass again, and look at her nodding, "Yes, I have loved him with everything in my body, and I can't remember who I was before he came into my life and I don't want to." She smiles and looks towards me smiling, "Are you still in touch?" I consider my reply quite hard.

"With Leo and I, we can go without speaking for years and the moment we see each other it's like no time has passed, we fit together like a puzzle and I wouldn't change that about us." She places down her cue cards and leans forward to look at me, "Do you wish you had ever called him your boyfriend?" I take another deep breath as I look towards her, "I wouldn't change any event in our life together because if I did that would change who he is and who I am, and I don't think anyone would want that." I smile as Ellen introduced me and my newest song, "This is Nova Founders sing a song from her new album, sending my love to you and your new love." I take a deep breath as I sing the first lyric.

I step of the stage and fall into Alexis' arms I keep trying to breath and every attempt fails. She looks to Drew with her eyes filled with dread and concern, he take the hint and picks me up carrying me to the car trying his hardest to hide me from any press that could seen me. We quickly drive back to my parents house as soon as we get there Alexis runs into the house to alert my parents and Drew tries to get me out the car struggling as I fall to the floor when I get out the car, Dad quickly runs out and picks me up, carrying me inside, placing me on the sofa. Mom walks over and kneels at my feet, "Honey, I know this is going to sound way too hard right now, but I need you to breath." she squeezes my knees as she steadily breathes with me, I copy her breathing and look at her as the tears drench my face she starts to cry with me. She presses her forehead to mine and holds her head in her hands and pulls me into her tight hug and for the first time since I left the Ellen studios, I take a deep breath.

I wake up in my childhood bedroom which feels beyond bizarre, I look around and climb out of bed, walking downstairs in my pyjamas I see, Mom, Dad, River, Meg, Alexis and Drew sat eating breakfast, Drew spots me first, "Nova, are you okay?" I nod as I sit next Meg at the edge of the table, I look towards my Mom, and her eyes are filled with concern, "I'm fine." I take a sliced grapefruit and start to eating all eyes still on me, "Seriously. I'm okay, I had one panic attack after four years, overall thats pretty normal." My Mom looks to her hands and nods again, "I think you should start seeing Dr Landon again." I tut and shake my head "I have one panic attack and you think I need to go to therapy?" She leans forward towards me. "I want to nip this in the bud now, before it really starts. I don't want to have a repeat of last time." I shake my head and take another mouthful of my grapefruit, "Last time I was experiencing PTSD, this time I had one panic attack because I was panicking from my interview. That's all." My Dad looks towards Mom to confer with her almost telepathically, "honey, we know but last time terrified us, we don't want you to go to rehab again, that terrified us. You know that right?" I nod "Of course I know that but thats not happening this time. I'm fine." I place down my spoon and walk up the stairs.

I'm fine.