TUMBLR ANOREXICSTM ARE LIARS
Fun Fact about the body:
Starvation mode DOES in fact exist.
Tumblr AnorexicsTM will try to convince you it doesn't,
But it really does.
When the body is wanting food,
Beginning to experience malnutrition,
The only thing it lets you think about
Is all the tasty food you're denying yourself.
Personally, instead of nightmares of a certain person
Crushing me beneath him,
I could only dream of food.
I specifically remember Bananas a lot.
You do what you can to resist,
But as the Borg say, Resistance is Futile.
The details are rough, and would be like
A set of instructions to the unsuspecting person.
So you eat.
Fun Fact: eating leads to feeling.
The feelings slither in, slimy and foreign.
They worm their way into regular conversation,
Until you're crying over a sandwich and you have no idea why.
That's the first emotion.
After that comes anger.
A controlled fireball,
You fume at anything and everything.
(Especially at that which fights your eating disorder.)
Feeling in recovery is like that sensation
When your arm falls asleep, and wakes back up.
The feeling of blood-flow again and
The accompanying pins and needles.
It's shocking how we as humans
Are capable of forgetting what that feels like.
It's only when you're startled into action,
And your body works to help you do you remember.
A personal realization in my own recovery was learning that
Despite the torture I'd put my body through,
Despite the venomous hate I harbored for it,
It still loves and protects me. Unconditionally.
When I get a cut, my body automatically releases platelets to stop the bleeding.
When I sprained my wrist freshman year of high school, I didn't have to ask it to heal.
When I tried to starve myself,
My body sent everything it could to fight the mental troll that had taken over my mind.
Feeling in recovery is going to war with
The enemy, the troll, realizing your crappy wooden swords
Will never hope to hold up against
The devastating nuclear weapons in the arsenal of your mind. Of the troll.
It's scary as shit.
But,
Feeling in recovery is also an open door
To a beautiful world full of deep belly laughs around a meal,
Not avoiding your friends because you're avoiding dinner and haven't broken fast yet,
And having the courage to say what you know you need, and not feel bad about it.
"And then I realized; either I need to kill this disorder or it's going to kill me."
YOU ARE READING
Picking Up The Pieces
PoetryAn anthology of poems written by me. The uploads will be in 2 parts. The Before is part 1, and The During and The After will be part 2. This is the story of my recovery from PTSD, An Eating Disorder, and Sexual Assault.
