Picking Up The Pieces

I SWEAR I'M NOT CRAZY

I SWEAR I'M NOT CRAZY

I just needed a break. Here's how it went:

Tell people you're suicidal / have them not believe you / finally tell your therapist you don't want to keep yourself safe / have no privacy from family / have your mom drive 3 hours to pick you up from school / set up an assessment at your local hospital / be admitted / "Are you sure? You can't actually leave once you're in." / Try to finish your first meal in ages / fail / be too anxious to sleep but too depressed to move / not have access to anything electronic and not be bothered by it / meet people on the unit / watch them leave and wonder if you'll ever be that happy / drink 4 large cups of water in 36 hours / still be thirsty / pee like a MF / find you have no doors on your bathrooms / pick at fading self-harm scabs / "Your bags aren't as dark anymore" / have a set bedtime at 10pm sharp / ACTUALLY sleep and sleep well for the first time since March / It's November / Be woken at 6:30am for vitals every morning for 7 days straight / have a mini celebration when your favorite nurse is assigned to you that day / miss having access to a pen / listen to the screams of the guy withdrawing from heroin down the hall / realize why psych wards have such a bad rap / color / color / color / color / color / THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO DO / find out a fellow unit buddy is someone you graduated high school with / think to yourself what a small fucking world it is / slowly eat more and more / look forward to days when a plastic knife isn't necessary to actually eat / wonder if you'll still be in here on Thanksgiving day / wonder if they'll actually serve a thanksgiving meal / watch the pretty snow fall outside the windows / feel wonder for the first time in months / and actually use soap while showering instead of just standing under the water / vow to never complain about any other shower head ever again / seriously, the best shower is basically a faucet that has pressure to it / color more / and more / and more / learn coping skills / see the psychiatrist every day / make new friends / learn how to meditate properly / rant about life's bullshit with other patients / "Why are you here?" / play Apples to Apples on Saturday night / almost convince the staff to let you stay up another half an hour to finish the game / be with the same people for 2 days straight because there were no new admits or releases on the unit / feel happy and stable all day for the first time in a year / take quite a few naps / be checked on every 15 minutes for 7 days / look forward to tackling the world and it's challenges again / have a small lapse / realize that these thoughts come and go, and that's okay / look longingly at the door that leads outside the unit / know that you're ready to go / realize you haven't worn shoes in 7 days and it feels great / be released on Thanksgiving Eve / be thankful that the hospital Thanksgiving celebration of a cupcake with lunch is not something you're stuck with / have an appointment for a Partial Hospitalization Program after the semester is over / stop and feel the sun on your skin for the first time in a week / truly appreciate the fresh air / not feel suicidal anymore.