Before Anything Else (Absinthe Series 2)

Kabanata 21

Kabanata 21

Before Anything Else

We all have our own weaknesses, it's our Achilles' heels. We're always bound to crumble down when someone has targeted our weakness. Hindi ang katawan ang una nating matatagpuang nakahimlay kundi maging ang ating kaluluwa ay unti-unting nauupos.

Despite of the happy celebration, my mind couldn't relax knowing that this is gonna be the night where everything will change.

Alam ko. Nararamdaman ko.

I stared at my own weakness. My beautiful weakness. Sa ilalim ng maliwanag na buwan, siya'y nakatayo na tila galit sa buong mundo. That's why I always see her as a spitfire. She always has it with her. Sa bawat paggalaw ay bumubuga ng apoy at walang inuurungan. She's got the fierceness of a lion.

She is my own weakness. Kung tatanungin kung bakit, maybe it's because she's someone that I was holding onto. Siya ang naging motibasyon ko sa lahat ng bagay. Sa kabila ng galit niya sa akin, siya pa rin ang inuuna ko. Sa kabila ng pagtataka at paghihinala, siya ang pinaniniwalaan ko. She's my mother and everyone thinks mother knows best.

Humalukipkip ako. Guarding myself to the coldness of the night and the coldness I feel from her. Gaya ng niyebe, siya'y nangingibabaw sa kalagitnaan ng dilim.

" What do you want us to talk about?" she asked nonchalantly.

" Why did you send me here? Bakit mo ako itinaboy dito?"

I fought myself not to stutter. I'm glad I succeeded.

" Is that what you want us to talk about, Zepporah?" I flinched. " Masaya ang gabi na ito and you want us to talk about that?"

"Ma…" I pressed my lips. " Please tell me the reason why…I n-need to know."

" You want to know the truth, Zepporah? Fine, pinapunta kita dito dahil sawang-sawa na ako! Sawang-sawa na akong ipaintindi lahat ng bagay sa iyo. I already gave up on taking care of you!" she spat, her eyes turning cold all of a sudden. Tila may isang ala-alang dumaan sa kaniyang isipan kaya naglaho ang kalmadong mukha kanina.

I flinched as she spit those words like a poison on her mouth. I felt the daggers piercing in my soul as I tried on understanding the words.

"Why…why did you give up?" Suminghap ako. " Parents are supposed to be strong enough—

" Stop saying those none sense, Zepporah! Pinaniwala ba kita sa ganoon? Iyan ang natutunan mo dito? There's no world for being strong enough, Zepporah. We'll never be enough to be strong in order to face our greatest mistakes!" Suminghap siya. " Oo, itinuturing kitang isang malaking kasalanan sa buhay ko. I shouldn't have accepted you. You were already a disgrace even when you're still not born in this world. Itinuring na kitang isang kasalanan…"

Envy.

I saw it in her eyes. Ang inggit ay umaapaw at sumasapaw sa galit na kaniyang nararamdaman. Nanginig ang aking kamay at hindi napigilan ang pagpatak ng luha sa aking mata.

Isa, dalawa hanggang sa nagsunod-sunod ang patak. Ang aking paghinga'y nanginginig at hindi makontrol kahit pakiramdam ko nama'y ako ay buhay pa.

Acceptance, that's what I want and yet, envy is what I get. Nakakatawa ngunit isang kakila-kilabot na pakiramdam na tila hindi ako matatanggap ng kaniyang mundo. Natatandaan kong sa bawat paghawak ng kamay ay may pagdadalawang-isip sa kaniya. Sa bawat paglalambing ko'y may galit na itinatago.

How could I not see it in all these years? Bakit hindi ko naramdamang higit pa sa galit ang kaniyang nararamdaman?

She stared at me when I wiped my cheeks with shaking hands. Suminghap ako nang hindi tumigil ang pag-agos ng mala-ilog na luha.