Before Anything Else (Absinthe Series 2)

Simula

Simula
#BAE

Gaya ng hagupit ng isang malakas na hangin ang aking natanggap na sampal mula sa aking ina. It was forceful and hot against my skin that it made my cheek stings. Ramdam ko ang galit niya…gaya ng isang mundong hinahayaang mangibabaw ang kadiliman.

"How many times do I have to tell you to act like a woman that I want you to be! Hindi ka na nahiya sa ating mga bisita!" she scolded, anger still laced on her voice.

I was never a woman. I've never become a woman. Sa edad na labing anim ay alam kong hindi pa ako ganap na isang babae ngunit pinalaki ako kung saan kailangang umakto sa lahat, umakto ng tama dahil iyon ang dapat. All my life I've never experienced being a normal teen; attending usual gatherings with classmates, attending field trips and trying to have some fun. It had always been my Mom's principles before anything else.

I watched her furious eyes as they turned into a darker shade. Ako ay napayuko at inalala ang kamaliang nagawa kanina lamang.

It was the usual family gathering with business associates and family friends. Ang lahat ay nakasuot ng mga mamahaling gowns at tila palasyo ng hari at reyna ang pinapasukan. And I thought I was the princess…but I never was. I was a slave of my Mom. At least that's what I thought. Gaya ng nakagawian ay kailangan kong kumilos ng pormal at kaaya-aya sa lahat. One thing I've learned is that…it was never easy. It's never easy to act like you wanted it. The attention, fame, power and respect.

I had acted not according to what my mother wants. Ang isang anak ng bisita kanina ay matiyaga kong tinanggihan sa alok nitong sayaw sa akin kahit na ilang ulit na itong nagyaya. It drew many attention especially my mother. Hindi nga ako nito pinagsabihan sa harap ng tao bagkus ay hinayaan niya ako at hinintay ang pagkakataong ito upang ipahiya ako sa harap ng mga kasamahan namin sa bahay.

"I'm sorry, ma." tahimik kong paghingi ng paumanhin. I dropped down my head and stared at my shoes. Ramdam ko ang mabigat nitong titig ngunit mas nangingibabaw ang sakit ng aking pisngi sa sampal na iginawad.

"You were always like that. Pinagsasabihan ka kung ano ang tama ngunit ilang beses mo akong sinusuway. Am I wrong to let you grew up like this, huh?" napalunok ako sa narinig. Mom would never asked me like that. Kahit na anong kasalanan ko noon ay hindi niya kinuwestiyon ang pagpapalaki niya sa akin. And yet now, she was seeking for answers.

Nag-angat ako ng tingin. She stood there almost looking tired of everything. Sa kabila ng pagod ay gusto ko paring purihin ang kagandahan ng aking ina magmula sa kaniyang malaporcelanang balat hanggang sa kaniyang napakagandang mukha.

They said we almost look alike if it wasn't for my dad's eyes. Namana ko ang mala-tsokolateng kulay ng aking mata sa aking ama. Ngunit mas nakalalamang ang nananalaytay na dugo ng aking ina. The small fragile face, softly angled ebony brows, almond shaped eyes paired with hazel orbs that make most of my emotions, button nose and think pink lips most of them were from my mom and I was afraid that maybe I am destined to be like her.

Caged like an animal. Chained like a slave.

That's what I felt. I was born in a wealthy family but it doesn't mean I am contented and happy. There are certain circumstances that not all people who were born with a golden spoon had a perfect life and future. Sometimes, they are just there, seeking for help and attention.

The night ended with me sleeping on my comfortable bed with a heavy heart. It was never my intention to hurt or disobey my mom but she had it always wrong. Sa pagkakataong iyon ay nagbago ang tingin nito sa akin. At naninibago ako.

The day after that, she told me to pack all my things for I am going to stay in the Philippines for good. Ang lugar na kinalakihan niya.  Aaminin ko, nasiyahan ako dahil sa narinig. But a part of me wanted to ask, what took the change in her decision? Noon ay halos ayaw niyang marinig akong nagtatanong tungkol sa bansang kaniyang kinalakihan. I was born in the Philippines but completely grew up here in States. But I've never known everything about the country.