It's complicated {completed}

29

I don't know what to say. Should I say something? I mean he's been MIA for about 2 months. Nobody had heard or seen anything from him. And now he stands here as if nothing ever happened before.
My brain isn't working, it's impossible to comprehend what is going on right now. I just sit there and stare at him, literally stare at him. Everything I've been working on, how he doesn't matter anymore? It's all gone. Within the second I laid my eyes on him it was like the first time I've seen him.
"Hey can I help you dude?" Brett asks him. He doesn't even spare him a glance.

"Nah. You already did enough." He enters the club and heads towards the gym.

"Weird guy." Brett chuckles. What the hell? Zane is back? I'm finally processing it. Okay I need to man up and talk to him. At least figure out whether or not he's okay, right?

"Hey Brett I'll be right back. I think I left my headphones in the studio." Without even waiting for his reply I get. And there he is, as beautiful as always. He gained some muscles. But he looks drained, exhausted.

"What do you want? Didn't I make it clear enough last time that it was a mistake?" I swallow all the pain. Man up Maya.

"Are you okay?"

"What does it matter? Go back to your boyfriend. I guess Kavaztki was right in the first place."

"Are you fucking kidding me right now?"

"What you're trying to tell me your not screwing this guy?"

"So you're coming here just to tell me I'm a hoe? Why did you kiss me then in the first place? Why did you pretend to be friends with me then?"

"You and I? We were never friends. We were nothing. I just tried to get into your pants but it was too much effort for the outcome. You were not worth it. I thought you were an easy lay but you weren't. At least not with me."

"You were the one telling me that it was all a terrible mistake. You JUST said so again. So don't fucking show up here and have the audacity to call me a hoe. You have no single idea about me or my life. You have no idea of what I went threw these past months okay? I just fucking came here to fucking check on you and ask you whether or not you're fine. But no the great Zane Black must be a fucking asshole once again. You know what I wish you're going to hell. Your dad..."

"Don't fucking say another word. You have no idea about what you're getting yourself into."

"And I don't even care anymore. Neither about you or anything else in life. I give up okay? I tried but I can't. Go and do whatever the fuck you want. Any other insults before I leave?" He doesn't answer me. "Okay great. Have an amazing life and I hope I never see you again."

The second I turn around tears start falling. I can't even stop it. I grab all of my belongings from the front desk.

"Brett I'm not feeling well. I'm going home. I'm sorry." I don't wait for his reply and just storm off. And oh how lucky I am it's raining like hell outside. I don't even make it to my car before I break down in the middle of the street, silently praying to be hit by a car. But somehow I make it to my car. I just sit there for hours until I'm drained and freezing cold. I meant every single word I said to Zane though. I tried so hard with everything in my life but I'm always being pushed away by everyone. No one ever accepted me, wanted me. So why keep on trying? Why keep on fighting, if there's nothing worth fighting for?
I already tried it once. I can do it again. This time there won't be anyone who could find me, who could stop me. But a car comes to a stop next to me and someone gets out and walks up to me.

"Maya?" Wow our of all people my former therapist had to find me in this current state.
"Come on darling let's get you a cup of tea." I don't protest, instead I just get up and follow her into her car. The car ride is silent and she doesn't push me to say anything what I'm really glad about. She parks the car in front of a small coffee shop and I find us a booth while she orders the drinks.

"How have you been? I haven't seen you for a while." I just stopped showing up to the weekly meetings. I thought I could handle everything myself.

"My parents kicked me out." I don't know why I said that but I felt like I should tell her. "Also I fell in love. But he hates me and thinks I'm some sort of a slut or something. I don't know if I can do this any longer. Everything just hurts. I feel like I'm drowning and every time something good happens something even worse happens. It's like the universe is telling me that I don't deserve this kind of happiness. I was happy. I was really, truly happy for the first time ever. But it didn't last." She always had this affect on me. Whenever you see her you just want to talk, tell her all of your deepest feelings.

"I'm not going to tell you that everything is going to be alright and that the pain will erase soon. Because it won't. Heartbreak is one of the worst pains a human being could possibly experience. It makes us mad, sad. It breaks us apart. But you are strong Maya. You went through so much and I believe in you and I know you can get through it. I know it won't be easy but you have people out there who care about you. Who love you."

"Oh really?"

"Your Brother. He needs you. He loves you. He adores you. You are everything he has. You are much more than just his older sister to him." My facial expressions must tell her that I don't quite believe her. "How many games have you missed throughout the past 2 years? How many?"

"Not a single one."

"How many games have your parents attended?"

"I... I don't know."

"How many have they missed?"

"A lot?"

"How many times have you held him in your arms while he was crying or upset? How many times have you picked him up from school simply because he didn't feel well? How many times have you helped him with his schooldwork? Helped him get ready for his games, his tryouts? For this child you are absolutely beautiful, gorgeous,perfect. You are a hero in his eyes. And with him by your side you can face almost everything in life." Those words leave me in silence, simply because it's true. I was always much more than a parent for Isaac rather than just an older sister. I would kill anyone who would hurt him. But killing myself would hurt him, so I can't do. I have to get through it at least until he gets older. He needs me.

"He knows." I take a sip of my tea.

"Huh?"

"Isaac. He knows about my ehm suicide attempt. That's why my mom kicked me out. And because I said some other not so nice things to her."

"How did he take it?"

"He blamed himself. But he told me how much he loved and needed me."

"A good boy he is. Fight for him Maya if you don't want to do it for yourself."

"Thank you Mrs. J. I really needed that. I was about to do it again. I lost it."

"Darling would you want to come and visit me next week? You still like books that much?" Back in the days, the therapy sessions were at her house and she had this huge library I would always sneak in and stare at all the books in awe. The first time I snuck in she caught me, but instead of being mad she let me stay in there, looking at all the books and telling me all those stories about how she got them or about their value. I'll never remember she had this collection of Jane Austin books that looked so beautiful. Every time I came in I stared at them in complete awe. But she always said I wasn't ready yet. Ready for what I didn't know, but one thing I know is that whenever I was in her library I felt peace. True peacefulness, happiness, I almost felt complete.

"Yea of course. I still have the book you gave me." She handed me a version of Jane Eyre.

"Well I'm moving and I can't take all of my books with me. Why don't you come over and help me sort out some stuff. Maybe you find something you'd like to keep."

She offers me a ride home but I insist on walking. I need to clear my head. It's crazy how one encounter with a person can change your life so drastically. 3 hours ago I thought I was on top of everything then I met Zane and i was about to give up. But for some reason someone wanted me to stay alive so they sent me Mrs J.