It's complicated {completed}

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Healing is probably one of the most painful experiences in life. Coping after a loss of a beloved one is something that seems quite impossible at times.
People will tell you 'sorry about your loss' whenever they see you, what just makes you remember your loss. So no not helpful at all. Thank you for trying but it won't make me feel better.
'Time will heal', yeah no not really. It's been three days now since he passed away. The news spread really quick, magazines were covered with the news of 'the terrible yet so unexpected loss of Jim Park'. I couldn't even read them. I assume they praised him in there and about all the work he has done for the community and especially students. I couldn't do anything the past three days. I feel like I am swallowed by a hole and unable to feel anything but grief. It's eating me up alive. Isaac and I stayed at my apartment and didn't do anything. I just sat on the couch stared out of the window and couldn't help myself but think about all the memories I have with Pops. So many yet not enough. I miss him. I wish I could tell him one last time that I love him. I wish I could hug him one last time, smell his smell or just look into his eyes. Isaac didn't do much either. He'd occasionally get up to eat, he went out to run, he ran too much but what can I say it's his way of coping. So I let him be. I didn't touch any food the past days. The first day I fell asleep I had a terrible nightmare, so I'm living off coffee, tryin my best not to fall asleep. Because when I do I'm hunted by terrible nightmares.

Yet they only gave us three days to get over it. Today is his funeral, which is held at the Michigan cathedral. A beautiful place, too pretty to hold such a terrible service. Zane came to pick us up, he came over a lot of times the past days but I didn't say a word. My family didn't reach out to me, only my dad texted me to let me know that I an hold a speech if I want to. Nothing else. So here I am standing in my room and looking at my reflection. I look terrible, I dropped weight, I look pale, have big dark bags underneath my eyes, my hair is falling flat down so I decided to pull it up in a ponytail. I put on a black long sleeve dress, some tights and black boots. I didn't even try with any makeup. Pops always told me I was way prettier without it anyway. If only he would see me now.

"You ready?" Zane's voice tears me out of my daze.
Him and Isaac are both dressed in black suits, usually is drool about how good he looks in a suit but not today. Today everything is dark and ugly in my eyes. I take a deep breath and nod, before we all head out to his car. The drive is quiet.
It's too cold for the service to be held outside so it is held inside the cathedral. When we arrive it is already packed, nothing I hadn't expected. After all it's Pops funeral. He was not only popular, but he was kind, people had to love him. We walk up to the front and take our seats in the front row. The service starts, a priest is holding a speech which is followed by a church choir singing a bunch of songs. Pops would've hated it I'm pretty sure he was never a fan of choir music, what makes me smile a little on the inside. I'm pretty sure Gigi arranged all of this. The flowers that decorate the room are black and red roses. Pops once told me that he hated roses. They were too basic everyone gave them out as a gift, they lost their value. Also they apparently represented something sad and deep. That's why he always gave me sunflowers, he said they made everything so much brighter and prettier.
The service continues and many people hold speeches, some longer than others. I asked Isaac if he wanted to say a couple words but he said he wasn't ready for it yet, which I could understand. I wrote a speech and I was content to hold it, but seeing so many people made me anxious, scared. After the last person has held his speech the priest comes up front again.

"Does anyone else want to say any last words?" He looks around and for some reason he catches my eye and he gives me an encouraging smile. And for some stupid reason I get up and walk to the front. When I turn around to face the crowd I get overwhelmed by everything. But I can hear pops soft voice in the back of my head, telling me that I can do anything if I really want it. And this right here is not for me it's for him. So I cough awkwardly before I take a final deep breath. I look down on my piece of paper that I folded up but I don't unfold it.