Shadows and Lies

Chapter 18

Chapter 18:
Thor didn't see Loki for the rest of the night. He assumed Loki was just staying out of the way, so Thor tried to just enjoy himself. It was weird though, he didn't feel as content celebrating Odin now, he knew more about how Odin treats Loki now, so he felt like he shouldn't be celebrating him. Especially now that Loki was here, and trying to do better.
By early morning most of the people had started to leave, there were a few people left, but Thor could tell they'd be leaving soon. He looked around to try and find Loki, and when he didn't find him he got a little bit worried. Did loki figure out a way to leave? Thor didn't think Loki would've been able to escape the guards, and he doubted loki would leave with his magic still restricted. Finally Thor just went to the window where Loki had been reading earlier and was a bit surprised to see Loki passed out against the window with a book in his lap, his hand limply at his side.
"He fell asleep?" Thor asked the guards, finding it slightly amusing that Loki fell asleep in the window rather than just going to bed.
"I tried to wake him up to send him back to his room, but he said that he wanted to stay here where there are 'witnesses'" one of the guards told Thor. Apparently Loki stills wasn't over the incident from the other night when he was attacked by the guards.
"Well he can't stay here" Thor said, then nudged Loki's shoulder. "Loki" he tried to wake Loki up, but Loki passively waved his hands in Thor's general direction, as if getting rid of an annoying bug.
"Loki come on, get up" Thor said, shaking his shoulder more aggressively.
"Leave me alone.... whatever happened it wasn't me" Loki mumbled, shifting his position to get more comfortable.
Thor rolled his eyes "I'm not accusing you of anything, but everyone left so I'm going to take you back to your room" Thor told him. He felt kind of bad waking him up, Loki had been beaten up and tasered multiple times, as well as being bullied a bit by the guards. Thor knew he was physically and mentally exhausted and wanted to leave him sleeping, but even with how well Loki did during the celebration Thor knew he still had to have him chained up overnight.
Loki sighed heavily but opened his eyes and sat up a bit.
"Fine..." he grumbled, putting his book aside and standing up. As soon as he took a step and put weight on his bad leg it buckled and Thor had to grab him to keep him from falling forward. He steadied Loki on his feet until he was more awake.
"You good?" Thor asked after he gave Loki a minute to get balanced.
"I'm fine, I can walk" The pain that coursed through Loki's leg when he stood had woken him up quickly. Even with Loki's assurance that he could walk, Thor pulled his arm across his shoulder and held him up on the way back to Loki's room. Surprisingly, Loki didn't argue or protest or threaten Thor's life, instead he actually used Thor for support whenever he had to walk on his injured leg.
They got back to Loki's room and Thor put Loki on his bed, then Thor put the shackle around Loki's ankle. Loki was looking at the shackle and the chain and Thor could see his jaw tightening. He was angry.
"I'm sorry... I really wish I didn't-" Loki didn't let Thor finish.
"It's fine" he said a bit coldly, finally taking his eyes off his restraints. It was frustrating for both of them that Thor  couldn't trust Loki. They were both trying to get along and mend what was left of their relationship (Thor a little bit more so, but Loki was still trying), but when all is said and done, Loki is still a criminal who is yet to pay for what he's done. They could go the day without getting angry, they could pretend all was well with them, but it didn't change the fact that Loki still slept with his ankle chained up, his windows were blocked, his magic was taken away, and there were guards surrounding his room. He wasn't free, he was a prisoner, even if he was a well-treated one.
Thor didn't want to just leave though, he knew they had made some really good progress today and he wanted to mention that.
"I know this was not a good day for you. I know you hate Odin, and you hate me, but you did a lot of good. I'm.... I'm really proud of you" Thor said, then gave Loki a pat on the shoulder and stood up. "Get some sleep. I'll See you in the morning" he started to walk away but loki stopped him.
"No" Loki said, making Thor turn around.
"No?" Thor wasn't sure which part Loki was saying no to.
"Yeah, no. You're wrong" Loki told him.
"Wrong about what?" Thor was confused and concerned, two emotions he'd been feeling a lot around his little brother in the recent past. Loki stood up, leaning most of his weight in his good leg.
"When you said I hate Odin and I hate you. You're wrong..... I don't- I don't hate you... anymore" Loki told him, a tiny, tiny bit of pain and vulnerability in his voice. Thor was to stunned to speak, it wasn't that long ago that Loki was screaming 'I hate you' at Thor any time they were in the same room, and now Loki was saying that he in fact didn't hate him. Thor felt a wave of relief, realizing that all his desperate attempts to get his little brother back might actually have the possibility of paying off. Loki saw Thor's shock so he went on.
"You hurt me, I felt betrayed by you and.... I think I let that pain that you caused me fester. The pain festered Into anger, and the anger festered into hatred, and the hatred festered into violence. I wanted to kill you for so long because I thought you were my enemy. But the truth is, since I've been back I'm realizing that you're on my side... you're the only person who's been on my side. You've been helping me and keeping me out of trouble for the most part. You've been on my side since I've come home and... I'm starting to think that you've always been in my side. Even if you did some things that caused me pain, there's no denying that you've always had my back." Loki told him, feeling both freed and terrified. He'd been a slave to his own hatred for so long, it was freeing to finally let it go, but it was also terrifying because now all his walls were down. He was open and vulnerable and he didn't know what Thor would do with that. It was terrifying because now it was real. He had been denying to himself that his hatred for Thor was misplaced, but he couldn't lie to himself any more, and as scary as it was to admit to himself that he actually missed Thor, it was ten times harder to admit it out loud. He was letting go of the one thing that had driven his actions for the past several years and that scared him.
"I don't-" Thor tried to talk but he felt lost for words. Did he actually break through? Was he seeing a bit of his little brother peaking through the cold exterior of what Loki had become?
"Why are you looking at me like that?" Loki asked. Thor was surprisingly stone faced right now and it was a bit disconcerting since Thor wasn't really the type to not show what he was feeling. After a moment of silence and Loki feeling more defensive, Thor advanced on him. Loki braced his footing and got ready to defend himself against whatever attack Thor made against him, but Thor wasn't trying to attack him at all, he just grabbed Loki around the shoulders and brought him in for a hug.
Loki was stunned and froze. He stood there for a minute kind of not sure what to do, this wasn't what he was expecting and he he'd forgotten the feeling of a hug. Especially one from his brother.
"I wasn't really looking for a hug" Loki finally said after a minute that felt a lot longer than a minute.
"I don't care" Thor said, giving loki a hard pat on the back before letting him go. Loki stepped back a bit and straightened himself out a bit indignantly.
"I only said I didn't hate you, Don't get carried away with it" he said, but he didn't sound like he was totally mad about getting a hug.
"Right. I'll leave you alone so you can sleep" Thor knew Loki had gone against his own nature to be open and honest, and he didn't want to push it, loki had shown a bit of his true feelings and Thor didn't want to cause him to close up again, so he backed off. Thor started to leave but Loki stopped him again.
"Wait, just-" Loki sighed, he didn't want to talk about this, he didn't like it, he didn't like showing his hand and letting people know what he was thinking.
"What is it?" Thor asked him, and loki suddenly got more serious and demanding.
"What I'm going to tell you involves one of my very low points in life, so you have to assure me that it won't leave this room" he said, he could slowly open up to Thor, but other people? Not a chance, he wanted his secrets kept.
"Yeah, of course, I wouldn't tell anyone else. What are you wanting to tell me?" Thor didn't quite know what else Loki had to say or why he would be willing tell him about a low point in his life.
Loki took a deep breath, finding it hard to actually get it out. Finally he mustered up the nerve.
"I need to tell you what made me start to hate you so much"