Shadows and Lies

Chapter 33

Chapter 33:
Sif saw Thor sitting in the courtyard, reading a book. She didn't know how he was doing, but she wanted to talk and make sure he was okay. She walked over and sat down next to thor, and he put down the book he was reading.
"Hey, how are you doing?" She asked. Thor shrugged a little bit.
"I'm alright... why do you ask?" He wasn't sure why he wouldn't be okay.
"Just because... I know what day it is" Thor sighed and stood up, and Sif followed. "I just want to make sure you're okay" she explained when she saw his bit of annoyance.
"I know. You and everyone else" he said "I appreciate your concern, but I'm fine. I miss him of course but... it's been a year" Thor told her.
"I know. Exactly a year... today marks a year" it had been one year since Loki was killed, and today marked the day they burned his body on the lake exactly a year ago.
"It's not unreasonable that today would be hard for you" Sif continued.
"I know, but I'm fine" he said a bit coldly. He knew she was just being a good friend and trying to make sure he wasn't in more pain, so he tried to be a bit nicer "listen... I miss him, I mourn him every day, but today is just another day. I wish he didn't die, I wish he was still here, but I'm no more upset today than I was yesterday. I'm fine. Let's just not act like anything is new" he said, just wanting everyone to act normal. Sif nodded a bit.
"Well I'm glad. But also, we're all here for you if you need us" she told him. Thor just nodded, and Sif turned to walk away before turning back around.
"I almost forgot. Heimdall wanted to see you. He said it wasn't urgent, but to meet him in the observatory as soon as you can" Sif informed him. Thor looked a bit confused. Heimdall rarely needed to see Thor, and when he did it was usually an emergency, so what could this be about?
"Did he say why?" Thor asked, but Sif shook her head with a shrug.
"He didn't" she told him before walking away.
Confused, Thor went to the observatory to see Heimdall. Sif said it wasn't urgent, but Thor still hurried because he was very curious and slightly concerned that something was going on.
"Heimdall" Thor said as he entered the observatory, which looked like a giant window into the rest of the galaxy. "Sif said you wanted to see me?" He questioned. Heimdall turned to Thor and nodded. He smiled like he knew something Thor didn't, which wouldn't be unusual, except that Heimdall rarely smiled.
"Yes, I did. I need to send you to Midgard" Heimdall said bluntly. Thor was a bit shocked, they almost never visited Midgard.
"Why?" Thor asked after a slight pause. He thought Heimdall would've explained why, but apparently Thor needed to ask.
"It's difficult to explain, but it will become clearer once you're there. Are you able to go now, or do you need time?" Heimdall asked. Thor was still playing catch-up, he didn't know why he was going and he certainly wasn't expecting to be sent right away. Typically when trips were requested he had several days to think it over and get ready.
"I guess..." Thor said, sounding very unsure.
"Excellent" Heimdall lowered the sword and the bifrost rumbled as it awoke.
"Wait, Heimdall, what's going on?" Thor asked again, but Heimdall became no less evasive.
"It will all make sense very shortly. There's something there you need to see" he gave the sword a sharp turn and before Thor could say anything else, he was pulled into the path of the bifrost.
He only had a few seconds to think before he felt his feet hit solid ground again and he found himself in an alleyway.
He looked around for a second, there were tall buildings on either side of him, and street just ahead, and it was raining pretty heavily.
He was confused but he stepped toward the street. It was a busy street, clearly a city street, but it had been so long since Thor had been to earth that he really didn't know what city he was in. He was confused but walked down the street anyway. He thought he'd draw a lot of attention to himself as he wasn't exactly dressed to fit in, but no one seemed to care, they just dodged him as he walked, as if they were all much too busy to care about a strange mans clothing choices.
He stepped to the side of the sidewalk and just watched the people for a while, taking in his surroundings and trying to piece together where he was. he was curious why Heimdall would send him here, to a random city that Thor couldn't even recognize.
After a little while, a large black SUV turned a corner on the opposite side of the street and came to a stop along the opposite curb. The SUV  got Thor's attention, mainly because most of the other cars on the street were taxis, and because this car was moving  rather quickly and came to a sudden stop on the side of the street where no one else was stopping. The windows of the car were dark so Thor couldn't see who was inside until they stepped out.
From the driver side, a woman in a black tactical suit stepped out. She had bright red curly hair, and Thor could tell just by the way she stood and took a look around to scan the area that she had very specific reasons for being there.
It was the passenger, though, that made Thor stop and pay very close attention.
The passenger door opened and a man stepped out. A tall man, with very fair skin and black hair that was thoughtlessly pulled back. He wearing an all black suit and trench coat, and Except for the fact that his hair wasn't completely sleek, he looked identical to Loki.
The man opened up an umbrella as soon as he stepped out of the car, and went to stand next to the red-haired woman.
Thor couldn't look away. They both looked down at the electronic tablet the woman was holding like they were looking for something, and they were talking. Thor couldn't hear what they were saying, but after a minute the woman looked up and pointed down the street, toward the ally Thor had come from. The man was still holding the umbrella even though the woman didn't seem to care about the heavy rain, and they both walked toward the direction she had pointed in. The man walked with the woman, both of them mostly looking at the tablet in her hands, but the man looked up and looked around the area for a moment and that's when he locked eyes with Thor. The man stopped walking, staring at Thor like he'd forgotten what he'd been doing before. The woman got a few paces ahead of the man before she realized he'd stopped walking. She turned back and smacked the man on the arm and he seemed to snap out of a trance. He stopped looking at Thor for a moment and handed the woman the umbrella. Again, Thor couldn't hear them because they were on the opposite side of the street, but she took the umbrella, exchanged a few words, and then continued to walk down the street without him.
Thor was still watching the man, who turned and made eye contact with Thor again. He turned his coat collar up against the rain and put his hands in his pockets as he walked toward Thor. He didn't seem to care about the cars on the road, like he assumed they would just move aside for him.
Once he got to the sidewalk he stopped, facing Thor with several feet of space between them.
"Thor?" Thor felt a shiver when this man spoke. He had Loki's voice, Loki's face, Loki's mannerisms; he was Loki, except for the fact that Loki was dead. Until this moment Thor told himself it was just a human that happened to look a lot like his deceased brother, but no, there was no denying it now. This man standing in front of him could only be Loki.
"Loki?" Thor's voice carried disbelief, but at the same time he was so sure that he was looking at his brother.
"I know you must be angry, and I promise I can explain everything if you just give me-" loki didn't get to finish. As soon as Loki started talking, Thor quickly moved forward toward him, Loki thought he was going to get punched in the stomach, but was instead tackled in a bone-crushing embrace.
"I thought you were dead" Thor whispered, still holding tightly onto Loki. Loki wanted to explain everything, he had been missing Thor for a year, feeling guilty about faking his death and letting Thor grieve, and he wanted more than anything to explain everything.
"Loki?" Thor heard a woman's voice say Loki's name and Loki very quickly tensed and pushed Thor off of him and straightened himself out. Thor was surprised that Loki had let him hug him for so long, but also wondered why Loki suddenly changed his mind. Thor looked behind Loki and saw the red-haired woman from before walking toward them.
"Loki... what's going on?" She asked, looking at Thor with considerable confusion.
"Right. Um, Natasha, this is... my brother, Thor" Loki said, now visibly uncomfortable "Thor, this is Natasha Romanoff. We work together." Thor saw Loki leave the car with this Natasha, but hearing Loki say they work together was strange.
"You work together? You... have a job?" It was strange to think of Loki integrated into normal life on earth, with a job and coworkers.
"Sort Of, I can explain everything later-" Natasha cut Loki off.
"You're his brother?" She asked "He mentioned you. But he said you wouldn't be visiting. I have literally a thousand questions for you" she said with a slight laugh, very eager to have a conversation with Thor with Loki as the central topic.
"Natasha please" Loki interjected "will you just report back to say there's no threat. If you do that and let me talk to thor alone I'll answer whatever questions you have about it later" Loki wanted to get home with Thor so they could talk things out. They hadn't seen each other in a year, and up until ten minutes ago thor thought Loki was dead. He had a heap of explaining to do and didn't want to deal with Natasha picking Thor's brain for details about Loki's life.
"Any question. I'll hold you to that" she said before she walked back across the street to the black car. After she'd gone, Loki turned to Thor.
"I know this is weird, and you're still processing what's happening, but if you come back with me to my apartment I swear I can make it all make sense" Loki told Thor. Loki was right, Thor still was processing everything; he thought Loki was dead, and suddenly he comes to find out that he's not dead at all, he's living on earth, with a job and an apartment and new friends. All this time Loki had built up a brand new life and Thor had no idea about it. It made Thor sad in a way, he'd been there for Loki and then he missed the part where Loki put his life back together. He missed the good ending that their struggles had.
"Sure. Yeah, that sounds good" Thor said after a long painful silence
Natasha took the car, so Loki called a cab and him and Thor were taken back to Loki's apartment. When they got to Loki's apartment and went inside, Thor was surprised to see how... normal the place was. When loki said he had an apartment Thor expected to go to a huge lavish apartment in an expensive, swanky part of the city, but it wasn't like that at all. It was just a normal apartment for a single guy, in fact, it was pretty small and minimalistic; the main living space was small, and there was a simple little kitchen space off to the side and a door that Thor assumed led to a bedroom. And that was it.
"This... is where you live?" Thor wasn't trying to judge, he was just surprised at how non-Loki the place was.
Loki flicked on a light and took of his coat.
"Yeah... it's not much but it's a place to go at the end of the day" Loki said, looking pretty uneasy and awkward. "Um... do you want anything? Coffee or tea or-" Thor interjected.
"Can we just talk about it? I'm not angry yet, but You need to tell me what happened, right now. I've been mourning you for a year and now I find out that you're very much alive and well, and have started yourself a new life." Thor said "I'm so, so happy that you're alive, but... Loki I had a funeral for you, how are you alive? I can't  just have normal conversation with you until I know" Loki nodded a bit and gestured for Thor to sit down.
For the last year Loki had been desperate to tell Thor everything, he'd been feeling guilty about what he did and wanted so badly to come clean. But now that he was faced with actually explaining everything, he was terrified. Thor had forgiven a lot, but what if he couldn't forgive this? Loki caused a lot of pain for a lot of time, he devastated Thor with his death and let him grieve for a year, what if when he was finished Thor just got up and left and Loki never saw him again?
"Alright... well I'll start at the beginning, when fandral told us that the people wanted me to be executed" Thor's mind immediately recalled that whole night.
Fandral told them that the people wanted loki dead and raids started on the palace "when fandral told us I had to die to please the people, you started trying to find a way around it. You even suggested banishment as an alternative, but I told you that was impossible because every realm knew about me. And then I remembered earth... earth doesn't know who I am or what I've done, and I knew it would be safe for me here. So I decided to die on Asgard and escape to earth" Loki paused to see if Thor had any reaction, but he didn't say anything so Loki kept going "I don't know if you know this, but there are... doors between realms. Ways to travel between realms without using the bifrost. I know where these doors are and knew I could use it to get out; the door to earth is in the forest. But I also knew that if I just disappeared there was a chance that you would be blamed for helping me escape. You would at least be forced to look for me until I was found, so I couldn't just run, I had to be dead, and I had to be found. So I let the guards see me leave disguised as you so you'd know where to look, then I got to the forest And looked for something to take my place. Thankfully I was able to find the remains of a wolf that had been killed by some other animal, so I cast a simple shapeshifting spell to make it look like me, and left it in the forest for you to find. Then I left through the door and... I've been here ever since" Loki finished his explanation and Thor's face was still pretty blank while he took it all in and processed it. Loki tried to give Thor some time but eventually the silence and lack of emotion Thor was exhibiting was putting him on edge. He didn't care if thor screamed at him or punched him repeatedly, but he couldn't handle the indifference any longer.
"Please say something" Loki said after a few minutes.
"I just... I understand how you did it now, but why? Why not tell me? Why not let me help you? You left me unconscious and then you did all of that and let me think it was real. Why?" He sounded upset and Loki got worried because the next part wasn't going to make Thor any happier.
"I needed you to think it was real. I needed it to be real as far as everyone was concerned. I didn't want anyone to suspect you of conspiring with me, I knew people would accuse you first if anything seemed off, so I needed you to think it was just as real as everyone else did" he explained.
"So you wanted me to be hurt so you could make a clean getaway" Thor snapped coldly. Loki shook his head quickly.
"No, no that's not what I meant. I was trying to keep you safe. If you knew about it you'd have to convince everyone that you didn't and I-" loki hesitated because Thor was already getting mad and he didn't want to make it worse "I've seen you try to tell a lie Thor. You're terrible at it, and if you were involved in my getaway you would have to stand in front of an entire realm and tell a massive lie. And keep telling that lie for the rest of your life. I wanted you and your position as king to be safe. If you thought I was dead you would be in pain but... at least you wouldn't lose everything else in your life, I just wanted to ensure that you weren't in danger. And I couldn't just disappear because if you thought I might be alive you would come looking for me and waste your life on me, again. I needed to be dead so that you could move on and live your life without all my baggage holding you back" Loki hoped Thor could get past the insult of telling Thor he was a bad liar to see the bigger picture; Loki was trying to protect him.
"Did anyone else know?" Thor asked, his tone was still a bit cold, but he didn't sound mad anymore, he was just thinking.
"Heimdall knew... I knew he'd see me leave Asgard and if he didn't know what I was doing he'd tell you I left. So I filled him in and made him promise not to say anything to you" Loki told him "but other than that, no. I didn't want anyone else to be involved" he added. Thor just nodded again, but didn't say anything.
"I can understand if you're mad, you have every right to be, but please know that everything I did I did because I wanted you to be able to keep your place as king and... I just really didn't want to die"
Thor's expression immediately softened when he realized how tortured loki was while retelling all of this.
Loki just didn't want to be killed and even though he was afraid of dying, he went through a lot of trouble to make sure he didn't leave Thor in danger.
"I'm not angry" Thor assured him, then unexpectedly hugged him again. Loki actually hugged him back "I'm just shocked... I've thought you were dead this whole time so this is a lot to take in" he realized he hadn't been very warm toward Loki, and it wasn't because he was angry, it was just because he was too surprised  to react.
"You faked your own death to keep me safe and you fled to a realm that you hate, alone" Thor hugged him tighter and Loki just nodded.
"I just figured that after so many years of trying to take your throne from you, I owed you at least that" Loki said back. Thor kept Loki in his grip for a minute longer and then let him go.
"And your life here... you have a job, this apartment, how did..." he trailed off but his question was clear; how in the world did Loki of all people learn to function as an ordinary human man?.
"It just fell into place... I work for SHIELD, we investigate things like beings visiting from other realms. When I arrived here they found me and we made a deal: they let me live my life in peace, give me a place to live and enough money to live a comfortable life, and in exchange I'll be a consultant whenever they need help dealing with phenomena from other worlds. Which is always. They try their best but they really know very little about extraterrestrial beings" Loki explained.
"And Natasha, are you two... a thing?" Thor asked. Loki shook his head quickly
"No, no not at all. I don't have anyone like that" Loki told him.
"Do you have friends?" Thor's tone shifted form curious to concerned, he didn't want Loki to be so alone. Loki's expression got a bit more serious and he broke eye contact with Thor.
"Not really... it's just easier if I don't get invested" he said. Thor could see his jaw tightening, hiding emotions.
"Why is that easier?" Thor asked.
"Well humans only live for an average of about eighty five years... I'll outlive everyone who's currently alive, if I make friends or get attached I'm just setting myself up for more loss in the future.
Keeping my distance will make things easier, simpler" he said very factually, though it was clearly a rehearsed speech, one he'd repeated over and over to himself.
"That sounds lonely" Thor commented. Loki just nodded a bit.
"I'm good at lonely... I've spent a lot of time alone, don't worry, I can keep doing it" there was a pain and a sadness in Loki's tone. Maybe He did love someone but felt like he couldn't say it, or maybe he just wanted to make friends and knew it wasn't possible, but tried to convince himself he didn't need anyone else.
"Are you happy?" Thor asked. Loki wasn't expecting that, it was a simple question with a very complex answer, one that Loki didn't even fully understand.
"I don't know... I think I'm as happy as I can be. No one here knows my sins, no one looks at me like I'm a monster, people mostly respect me and my advice, but..." he trailed off without finishing, feeling a vulnerability that he wasn't used to feeling. Thor knew Loki, he knew the walls would only be down for a moment before Loki retreated back into his guarded self.
"But what?" He prompted.
"But... it's not home. I think no matter how long I'm here, I'll always know I don't belong, I'm only here because I drove everyone else in my life away and had no where else to go. It's hard to be truly happy when you know that you're totally, completely alone"  Loki admitted. He looked sad but resigned, like he'd spent his time being sad about his new life and had come to accept it even if it wasn't what he wanted.
"Maybe you don't have to be so alone anymore, now that I know you're alive. If you ever need me, I'll be here" Thor said, giving Loki a pat to the shoulder. Loki wanted to tell thor how much that meant to him, how grateful he was to know that there was someone in the universe who would be there for him now, but he took too long thinking about how to say it and Thor spoke up first.
"So tell me everything. Everything about your life over the past year, I want to know it all" Thor said eagerly. Loki sighed deeply and then laughed a bit.
"That's a long story, I already told you the important parts, the details will probably be boring" Loki said, but Thor shrugged and shook his head.
"I don't have anything else planned for today. And there should be at least one person who knows about both your lives" Thor argued. Loki thought for a moment. And then told Thor everything.
Literally everything. Every story that he could remember, every interaction that he could recall, everything worth remembering that happened over the last year, he told to Thor, who listened with intent interest.
Loki hadn't been that open with anyone for a long time, he didn't hold back, he just talked and talked. Letting everything out. It felt surprisingly good, letting someone else in, not being so closed off and secluded felt good. No one on earth knew about his life on Asgard, and for a year he felt like he had to be so careful about what he said, fearing he might accidentally let it slip that he'd been a highly wanted criminal on another world. But now he didn't have to be careful at all, Thor knew all the worst things Loki had done and forgave him anyway. He knew that he could tell thor anything and not have his trust betrayed.
It didn't feel like that long, but Loki and Thor talked for hours, Sharing stories and having normal conversation like brothers should. It wasn't until Thor happened to look out a window and see the black night sky that he realized how long he'd been there.
"Wow, I didn't realize how late it was... i guess i should go" Thor said as he stood up. As much as he wanted to not leave Loki again, they each had lives that couldn't just be put on pause. Thor has a realm to run and Loki has a job to do.
Loki stood up too, and looked like he was trying to hide disappointment.
"Right... obviously, you have a whole realm  of people waiting for you" Loki had momentarily forgotten that Thor wasn't anywhere close to being as alone as Loki was; Thor had an abundance of friends and responsibilities to get back to.
"Yeah.. but listen, If you ever need anything, anything at all, just tell heimdall to send for me, I'll be here" Thor assured him. Loki nodded a little bit.
They both left the apartment and went down to the street. They went to a small alleyway behind the building so that when Heimdall brought thor home they wouldn't be seen by any humans passing by.
Thor was about to call for Heimdall but Loki spoke before Thor could do so.
"If... I know I can always call you if there's an emergency, but..." loki stuttered a bit more, Thor had never seen Loki stumble over words so much "I just mean to say that if you ever want to visit, even if it's not for a necessity, that would be okay with me" Loki finally said. Thor smiled a bit and nodded.
"I'll remember that"
Loki smiled weakly, then Thor called for Heimdall.
The dark alleyway suddenly lit up with the bright light from the bifrost, engulfing Thor  in the light, and then disappeared just as suddenly.
When Thor arrived back on Asgard he walked up to Heimdall
"You knew this whole time. You've been watching him haven't you? Keeping an eye on him" Thor said, knowing now why Heimdall sent him to earth.
"Loki and I weren't the closest, but in the end he wanted to protect you. Of course I've been keeping an eye on him, i wasn't going to just let him go off to earth without anyone watching over him" Heimdall explained with a bit of a warm smile.
Thor didn't say anything else, he just smiled contently and went back to the palace.
On earth, Loki went back to his apartment and looked out his window and sighed deeply.
"Thanks for sending him" he said, knowing full well that Heimdall was listening.