Shadows and Lies

Chapter 19

A/N:
Hey guys, I'm so sorry there's been so much time between chapters, I have classes that are finishing up and finals are soon so all of my time has been invested in school and work.... after the 29th things will really ease up and I'll be able to write way more often. It's been almost a full month since the last chapter, so I'd suggest you go back and read the last two to get the flow better. Sorry about that :/

Chapter 19
Thor was surprised to hear Loki say he finally wanted to tell him when his deep hatred started, but he tried not to question it. When Loki opened up it tended not to last very long, so he wanted to just sit and listen before Loki changed his mind.
"Okay. Go ahead" Thor said, sitting down, and encouraging Loki to do the same. Loki day on his bed.
"Alright..." Loki cleated his throat a bit and tried to find a place to start. "Alright, it actually started before I found out about where I come from. I was having a particularly rough day, father had asked me to send a letter of request to Nidavellir and the response we got back wasn't exactly what he wanted. He didn't say anything to me directly, but I knew he blamed me for the negative response. For the remainder of the week he dropped comments about how certain things would be a lot easier if they'd accepted our request, every time I was in the room he said something about it. It got to be.... well I couldn't be around him because I knew he was looking at me like I was just a massive disappointment. It got exhausting, I'd done all I could to get them grant our request, so to have that failure hanging over my head for a week got to be tiring. It was even more frustrating because I'd seen you fail plenty of time and he never hung it over your head" Thor tried to just nod along even though he wasn't quite sure where loki was going with this or how this related to why he started to hate him so much.
"Anyway, i was feeling really low... I didn't want to leave because I just felt so worn down by Father's criticisms. And then I got to thinking and realized that father was never critical or judgmental toward you, so..." he sighed a bit and shifted where he sat, clearly not comfortable with the next part of the story. "I know this is sad and pathetic, but I realized that if I wanted to be looked at as anything but a disappointment, if I wanted any kind of relief from the weight of father judgement I would have to be you, and..... well for me it's very easy to be other people" Thor was starting to realize where this was going.
"Tell me you didn't" Thor hated the idea of his little brother being so desperate for love that he sank to this level.
"I told you this was a low point... I realized it would be relatively easy to get what I wanted, even if it was fake, so... I disguised myself as you. I just wanted to have a conversation with father and not have him look at me like I was a failure, I didn't honestly care that he thought he was talking to you, I just needed a few minutes of feeling like I wasn't complete trash in his eyes... anyway, I went to talk to father, as you, I don't remember where exactly you were, but father was happy to see you when I came in. As sad as it is, it honestly felt pretty good to make eye contact with him without seeing his disapproval. we started talking, and he almost immediately started to talk negatively about me, thinking he was talking to you. As you, I started to defend me, thinking that's what you would have done, but... well apparently I was very wrong. He was all too shocked to hear you defend me" Thor sighed and closed his eyes, there had been a few times when Thor spoke ill of Loki. He never thought they would come back to him but now they were and he hated himself for it.
"Father was confused to hear you defend me, he asked what had changed, he said 'you normally love talking about your brother' and that's when I realized that you were not the friend I thought you were. I knew Odin hated me, I knew the warriors poked fun at me, I knew everyone else didn't take me seriously, but I always thought you were the one person besides mother who had my back, and then suddenly I realized that that was all just a lie. You were great to me when I was there but apparently enjoyed mocking me behind my back. When I found out you were just like everyone's else I felt like I was losing the little bit of stability I had. I felt betrayed and lied to. I don't put trust in many people but I trusted you, and when I found out that you'd betrayed my very rare trust I didn't really know what to do. I felt even more lonely than I already was" he stopped like the story was over, but Thor knew it wasn't.
"But you said that was before you found out about Laufey, we were really close all the way up until you realized where you were from" Thor said, Loki nodded.
"I know. I didn't suddenly start hating you, I tried to forget about it after I left, but I barely had time to get over the realization  before I found out about where I'm from. When I learned about my lineage I was confused, and scared, and was suddenly realizing that everything I've ever known is fake. My family was fake, my life was fake, and.... Well normally in that situation I would've gone to you, but-" Thor cut him off.
"But I was also one of the people who'd been lying to you. I was fake too" Loki was quiet for a minute before he went on.
"Had I not felt like everything was being flipped upside down I probably would've been able to figure out that you didn't know about Where I'm from. but I was dazed angry and betrayed and I thought if you'd been lying to me about being on my side and having my back, why shouldn't I believe you were lying about this too? And then of course everything spiraled from there. The more I thought about it the angrier I got, and that anger and hate just kept growing and growing, unchecked, and I kept on believing with more and more zeal that you were part of the lie, that you'd never been family to me. There was no one around me to challenge how I was thinking, so nothing stopped the poisonous thoughts from taking root and growing stronger and I've always had chaotic tendencies so my anger outweighed my pain and it all got channeled through violence. So yes, I started hating you when I thought you were in on the lie about my parentage, but that thought was only possible because I knew you'd betrayed my trust before"
There was silence between the two brothers. Loki had told his story and honestly wasn't looking for pity, he only told Thor because Thor said that if Loki wanted a chance he would have to be honest.
Thor wished he could tell Loki that Odin had been lying, that he'd never once talked bad about him behind his back, that he'd always been loyal and protective... but he couldn't.
"Loki..." Thor sighed and Loki took the chance to interrupt.
"I don't need an apology from you. I only told you this because you said I had to, I'm not looking for a heart-to-heart" Loki's tone was just cold enough to make Thor feel even more guilty. It was his fault Loki was so cold and defensive all the time, Thor had made him think he couldn't trust anyone.
"I was jealous of you" Thor said. Loki looked extremely confused and bewildered.
"You- What? Why would you- you have everything, don't say you were jealous of me, I spent my life trying to be you, you can't tell me you were jealous" Loki said back, a little flustered.
"You had magic" Thor said "you can manipulate reality to be whatever you want it to be. You're cunning and smart and I don't even understand how you can think under pressure the way you do. You're sharp, and clever, and our enemies were always afraid of you because you fight differently than everyone else. I thought the world of you, I wanted the skills you had but I couldn't have them" Thor explained.
"So, What? You trashed me to father to make yourself feel better?" Loki asked.
"A few times, yes" Thor admitted, he hated it, but it was true. He made mistakes too and ended up hurting Loki in the process "I'm not saying it was right, I just want you to know that I didn't do that all growing up. There were a just few days in the weeks before we found out where you came from when I got jealous and dealt with it the wrong way. Other than those few days I promise I never tried to bring you down, and anytime someone other than me talked about you like that I was always first in line to fight them" Loki Knew he should be mad at Thor for trashing him as a way to make himself feel better, but in a strange way he felt oddly complimented... Thor, who Loki had looked up to for his entire life, had actually envied him at one point. It didn't excuse what Thor did, but it helped loki not to be more angry.
"Well... I didn't know that. I was expecting you to tell me that Odin was lying and none of what he said had actually happened" Loki told him. Thor shrugged a bit.
"I wanted to... I wish I could tell you I was always a perfect brother. But I'm forcing honesty out of you so I figured I should respect you enough to be honest in return" Thor said "I know you don't want this, but I love you Loki. You always have been and always will be my brother. I wish I could take back those moments of failure, but I can't" Loki was white for a minute after that, then cleared his throat.
"I... I appreciate you being truthful with me even though there was a good chance I'd get angry" Loki said "but I'm pretty tired and would like to sleep" he added. Thor saw all Loki's walls go back up and he knew his time was up. He couldn't force Loki I to continuing to talk, even though he easily could have. He was just glad Loki had finally confided in him how this all started.
"Alright. I'll see you tomorrow then" Thor started to leave, but before he got to the door Loki stood up again and Calle shim back.
"Thor, one more thing" Thor turned around.
"I'm-" Loki tightened his jaw and looked away from Thor for a minute, which usually meant that he was about to admit he was wrong about something. "I'm starting to be glad you didn't have me executed. When you brought me back I said I'd rather be killed than stay here with you, but You gave me a chance anyway and for that I'm.... thank you" Loki had only said 'thank you' twice since he came home; once when he was sick, and right now.
Thor smiled a bit and walked back over to Loki.
"Don't hug me again-" Thor was hugging him before he could finish.
"Ow- Thor get off, I've still got broken bones and you aren't helping" Loki complained. Thor ignored him for a minute but then eventually let him go. Loki took a step back so Thor could grab him again.
"I promise that'll be the last time" Thor said. "I'll see you in the morning" he then turned around again and actually left this time. He was tired too, but he felt like he was finally getting through to Loki and it was worth the time.
Thor started to walk away from Loki's room, but he turned around. He had a lot of guards outside Loki's room.
"All Of you are dismissed" he told them. They all looked confused.
"Your highness.... you want us to leave the prisoner unguarded? Isn't that dangerous?" One of the guards asked.
"He's chained and has no magic, and still feels pain when he walks. I don't think he'll be going anywhere." The guards didn't look sure, but Thor was the king and he told them to leave, so they obeyed.
Thor was pretty sure that at this point Loki wouldn't try to escape, and he wanted to show Loki that he trusted him enough to leave him unguarded.