Dancing with Danger: a Jay McGuiness+ TW Fanfiction

Chapter 15

Well guys, this is it! The last chapter! Now tell me what you would perfer, a short epilouge to tie up all my loose strings without much drama, or a long drama-filled sequeal? tell meeeeee!

Marissa was smoothing my hair gently when I woke up. She smiled sympathetically and kissed my forehead. "Jay called again. He's really worried, and says he's sorry he couldn't be here. He's coming home for a week in a couple days."  

That's right, Jay's management pulled him away to try and create positive image in the wake of him and his girlfriend getting all caught up in shit that ended with a 7-year-old's coma, and death 6 days ago. Jay had escaped with a dented reputation, I had gotten a minor wound in my leg from the gun shot, Henry was forever locked away, but the one most damaged in that graveyard was Clara.

I nodded and swallowed past my dry throat. "The funeral's today." She nods and says, "I laid a dress and some flats. I have to run upstairs to get ready myself, and then I'll be back down. I can do your hair if you want. Your mum has already gone to the funeral home."

I nodded again, not knowing what to say. Thank you for dealing with me while I'm completely and totally lost and might sink into a pit of depression at any second? She smiles sadly again and then leaves.

Jay had tried to come back when I told him, but they apparently needed him where they were. I am kinda glad he stayed away. He would sod his career to fix me if he saw how broken down I was now.

I sit for a moment, staring at the dress, a black, lacy thing that Clara picked when we went back to school shopping for her. She insisted I get it, because I "didn't take good care of myself and I deserved a pretty dress".

Everything reminds me of her. From the stain on the rug, to the story book I had read to her when we thought she might wake up, to the doorway still covered in stickers I pass every time I pee. Each time, whatever small particle of my soul that has moved on is torn back into the sadness engulfing me. I would never be able to break this spell unless I got out of it now

Then it's as if all the energy my body has been denying me for a week has filled me. I'm throwing every bit of clothing I can fit into a suitcase. My makeup bag goes next, followed by a picture of Clara and Lucy, me and the girls; I almost leave the picture of me and Jay, but on second thought throw it in as well. I can't leave it behind. Not when I see the way his blue eyes sparkle and my dull brown can't seem to look away from him.

I may not have used our computer much, but I know how to order an airline ticket. While it prints off, I grab my passport and add it to the bag and toss on a pair of jeans and a plain long sleeved t-shirt.

I wander through Clara's room one last time, and see a pretty blue scarf, patterned with navy blue owls, that had been Lucy's. I pull it on as well and grab the printed ticket. I leave my phone behind.

A glance at the clock confirms that I have to go, but I grab a few envelopes and a pad of paper, knowing how I'll fill my time on the plane.

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I had sprung for first class, knowing that my bank account had more than enough money in it. Lucy had set up a life insurance on all herself that had been put into a trust fund for Clara. Now that she wasn't ever going to be able to collect it, it had transferred into my account. So I'm sitting in comfort as I finish off the letter to my mum, assuring her that I'm going to be fine and that there was nothing she could have done to keep me there.

It was added to my pile of letters. One for Mum, Marissa, a combined one for the rest of the girls, and the most painful one, which I had saved for last. Jay's.

The pen hesitates multiple times over the page as I consider what to write. How do you say goodbye, to someone who in 6 months, completely changed your life. How do you say goodbye when you are still deeply in love with them.

I had to start this new life, uninhibited by my past. I was going to rechristen myself, going by my middle name, Luna. With dyed hair and as generic a last name as mine, no one would think to connect me to that girl the guy from The Wanted dated for a while. And to do this, I had to say goodbye.

But, I also have to do this for him. Jay deserves someone who can simply love him more than they'll ever love someone again and who will give him their all. I'm complicated, and shattered, and not good for him. Look at where we had ended up. He needs someone who can be everything he needs without demanding everything from him the way I had never realized I did.

Jay,

I'm sorry that I didn't stay around to say goodbye. But if I had, I never would have been able too.

I have to go. I have to get away from the memories, before they kill me. In a single moment of clarity, I saw the future if I stayed. I felt the soul crushing depression awaiting me. I saw myself turn catatonic. I couldn't risk dragging everyone I love down with me.

I'm not going to tell you where I'm going, because you'd show up and try to make me come back. I'm not telling you not to find me either, because you'd defiantly try to then.

I suppose this is deeply unfair to you. You loose the chance to say goodbye, while I'm sitting on a plane telling you now. I get to watch you succeed and grow, and know that you're happy and well, because I know that your future is incredibly bright. I know that that will involve watching you someday find someone else, and that does hurt incredibly, but in the end, I'll be fine because you'll be happy.

This will be hard for you, for both of us. And I want you to do whatever you have to. Cry, drink, write a song if you have too. Just do it. But don't you dare put your life on hold for me. Don't you fucking dare. The boys are counting on you. Your fans are counting on you. Hell, I'm counting on you. This is for the best.

Take good care of yourself. 

Shaun.

I carefully swiped under my eyes, and filled out the needed addresses, placing the stamps on very carefully. Then, I called the flight attendant over and asked, "Ma'am, I'm sure this is an unusual request, but when you return to the UK, can you just drop these in a post box for me? I'll give you twenty pounds." She smiled kindly at me and took them, but waved away the note I offered. "I'll be happy to, ma'am. Is there anything else I can do?"

I shake my head and she leaves. Resting my head on the comfortable headrest, I pull out the iPod Jay got me for my birthday, still loaded with songs. The words of Taylor Swift's Last Kiss pull the tears I had hidden out again, as I try and say my final goodbyes with the too-true words.