The Heart Wants What It Wants ✔️

Chapter 60.

I didn't know what to expect after the break up. Besides the hurt, tears, shame, and chocolate, I didn't know what to do next. Tyler said that I can go be with Jaxon now -admit my feelings and live happily ever after and what not. It seemed like a good idea if not for the fact that I can't look at him and feel...wrong.

I can't look at him and not feel this disgust and anger. He's confusing and it makes me so damn angry. Here he comes barging into my life and is an ass one minute then the sweetest gentleman a next. He doesn't like me one minute and then he does. It's confusing and maddening. The fact that all this didn't do anything in lessening my love for him is what absolutely disgust me. The fact that I let him do it though...That's what disgusts me the most.

The fact that my heart chose him and let him get away with everything he's done to me is disgusting. The fact that I can't help but continue to like him is disgusting. The fact that love has made me so weak and hopeless and pathetic is repulsive. 

This didn't register to me until he was standing right in front of me and talking about some nonsense that I can't process because I'm just so mad and disgusted and-

"Please leave."

His eyebrows furrow in confusion "Uhm...what?"

"Leave. Please leave. Don't ever talk to me again." I can't look at him in the eye when I say it. I can't stop the heartache and guilt of my actions. I can't stop being so pathetic.

"Hey...wait. What did I do? Was it it the vomit talk? I'm sorry. I didn't know you'd be grossed out that bad." He says

"What? No. I just- I don't want to see you right now, Jaxon. Please just leave me alone."

"Are you okay?" He looks so concerned and worried -it almost makes me doubt myself. But I can't go through this again. I refuse to be thrown around and get played with again. I don't want to do it anymore -I can't. I need to find myself again.

"I just...I need to be alone, Jaxon. A lot is happening and I really need to figure this out by myself." I can't even stand up to him and tell him to fuck off. What's happened to me? When did I become so pathetic?

"You should never go through something all by yourself, Harley. It's not good for you. Let me help -even just a little."

And because I'm just so fucking pathetic, I started crying. Unwillingly, the tears fell from my eyes for the nth time this week.

"You can't." My voice breaks and cracks almost as much as my heart does. "You can't help, Jaxon, so will you please just leave me alone?"

The alarm on his face furthers the concern in his eyes. "Harley...What's going on?" He practically begs

A choked out sob escapes me.

"You! Me!" It escapes me before I can stop it.

"You're what's wrong, Jaxon. I'm what's wrong. We're both so fucking wrong." And then it doesn't stop spilling. "I told Tyler everything. I told him what we did and I lost a great fucking guy that loves me so much because fuck I chose you. I keep fucking choosing you even if you're such a fucking ass. It's so twisted that I fell for you despite you always twisting and playing with my heart. Fuck Jaxon. Everything is all wrong and twisted and pathetic and so fucking disgusting. That's what's wrong. That's why I need you to please leave my life. I can't take this. I'm being thrown into every fucking wall by your bipolar asshole-ness..."