Beautiful Disaster

Tia Teresa

I don't know how much longer I can pull this off and be as strong as I must for my niece. I'm barely strong myself... my sisters' loss was more than a tragedy. It was known and expected but hit  harder than I thought. The funeral was beautiful. I exceptionally loved the poem Tatiana wrote for her mother. And the way the she sang amazing grace. Her voice was like an angel. It gave me chills all the way up my spine. I was glad it was over though It's been a long rough road. The cancer spread like wild flowers and it took her quickly. I'm struggling so hard. I'm catching myself talking to Gabriella as if she's still here laying on the bed. Going over the plans to care for Tatiana. I don't want to say goodbye to my niece. Wishing and wanting her to come back to Chicago and live with me would have been what I thought be best. But she was in fact my sister's daughter and Gabriella made me promise that soon as the funeral was over, I would put her on a plane to L.A. and here I am getting last minute things ready and in order. My niece was supposed to be at the Appleton International Airport at two o'clock in the afternoon and Here it's almost one. I want more time. Maybe an hour or two a lifetime would be great. Why did this all have to happen this way. We had everything planned excitedly like she wanted things to go after she was gone. But I don't think she realized or had any idea the effects or the toll this is was going to take on us. I'm a bit nervous for her. Also, for myself. I put my life on hold 6 months ago moved up here to care for my sister and niece. I didn't by any means expect to become so close to my niece. Taking her shopping going to movies attending after school activities. Late night girl talks about her crush. I felt like I was becoming a second mother to her. And some ways felt I was replacing Gabriella and I by no means was in any way shape or form trying too. Gabriella seen it as well I mean she was sick not blind. I new she blamed herself for not being able to do things she once did with Tatiana. She was happy that I was here for both. See I never married and didn't have children of my own. But after spending so much time with my niece it made me wonder if I was missing out on something truly great. I began to re evaluate my life. Realizing life is to short. I loved my sister. She was not only beautiful, but she made differences in people's life's every day. She was perfect and not in only Tatiana's eyes but to everyone around her. Any one who knew her only had positive sweet things to say and remember. It made me want to be so much more like her. I'm glad that after all the fighting we did as kids growing up. We made up and became close. After all, when your parents are dead and gone the only people that will be there to help pick up the pieces are your siblings. I feel as if I lost my best friend. While Tatiana slept the night, Gabriella died. I finished the scrape book that we were working on for her. And put in the letter Gabriella made along with the video inside her duffel bag. This was the last of many gifts Gabriella had planned for her. We didn't speak on the way to the airport. It was heart wrenching. Before I knew it, I was saying goodbye. I tried to fight the tears, but I couldn't be strong any longer. She waved goodbye and my niece was gone. The Thoughts in my mind were flowing like a hurricane in the ocean. Was she going to make it and was her father going to step up to the plate and be a person my niece needed and deserved? I left before the plane took off. I called her father to let him know she was already on the plane and when it should be landing. Got back to the hotel and found myself swallowing my sorrows in a good ole bottle of southern comfort. When a shadow figure appeared in the window and then transformed into this beautiful woman, I thought to myself I was completely drunk or hallucinating it was my sister pain free standing all by herself I fell to the floor and started crying begging her to stay with me for a bit longer to please not go. She told me to put away the bottle. This is not wat she wanted. She told me to be strong. That this is not how I wanted life to be when times were hard. I got up so fast to touch her and hug her but just like that she vanished. I crawled onto the bed and laid there looking at the ceiling till I fell asleep. After all my plane back to Chicago was scheduled to leave at six am. And then to pick up where I left off with out the two most important people in my life.