Sands of Time

Endorsement

My attention was pulled away from heras I looked down at my bandage covered hands. As rough as thebandages looked, I knew the skin underneath was even rougher. And Icouldn't stand to see that revulsion in the eyes that for so longwould only look at me with love despite whatever other emotion wouldbe there; whether happiness as we held our child, worry as they weresick, pain as she went through her own sickness or labor pains,anything. Love was always there. Now I could see not an ounce of it.

The hope I had that somewhere buried inthose (eye color) depths a seed of love was buried there was slowlyfading. But I refused to let it fade fully. I would have faith like Ialways did.

"Ohmy love, if you could only see what I look like underneath thesebandages. It would frighten you away." I don't know why I wouldever say this to her, why I would let her know that. But she had toknow this as despite the love that was missing she was still just asastute.

"No," she shook her head frowning as if disappointed in me that Ihad even thought that of her, much less said it. "If someone is inlove then it goes far deeper then the skin," she smiled and waslooking at a little bit further below then my eyes. At first Ithought of how she used to look at me when she wanted a kiss butdidn't want to initiate it, usually when we were around others, buther gaze was missing the longing.

With a start I realize it isn't my lips she is looking at, but thebottom half of my face and my neck. The skin is exposed. She couldsee it.

I managed not to flinch but only just. I don't know where thestrength came from but I it did. "Someone who would turn away fromtheir lover for something as shallow as looks never loved in thefirst place." She whispered and I remembered her saying almost theexact same thing to me once. She had noticed her first wrinkle, a fewlines around her eyes. I had tenderly kissed them, knowing how formany the changes of old age hit them hard. She had been calm,relaxed, she had said the same thing and I smiled as she knew that mylove for her ran to her heart and soul, let her body do as it may. "Iam not Nerfert, but if she loved you as much as you say you have noreason to fear if you find her."

There it was again. But the hope had been renewed in my chest andcould not be quenched again.

"Butyou would, if someone who looked like me, you would fall in love?"I couldn't hold back the grin on my face at that and she grimaced.Luckily with the new hope lighting my heart and clearing my mind fromthe dark spiral it had been in I saw it clearly. She didn't grimaceand cringe away at the thought of me-of someone who looked like me,but that she didn't remember, truly didn't think she was Nerfert anddid not wish to lead me on.

Itonly made my grin widen as I saw that she was the same kind woman Ihad married.

"Notexactly," that was the first thing she had said that truly gave mepause. "Just the looks would stop me from falling in love," Isighed in relief that was all I needed to know, that there was achance that even if she never remembered our life together beforetonight I could still win her heart. Even if I silently mourned forthe fact that she would not remember the life and the children webared and raised. I had hoped that when I met her again I could tellher all that she had missed, our grandchildren, the weddings, howgood of a pharaoh Achillas was, how much he and Benerib reminded meof her and how much Baufar was like me, and Addaya was personalitywise most like dear aunt Nephthys as they had taken to calling thegoddess when they would see her in person. How suitable oursons-in-law and daughters-in-law were. Including the heartbreak, notjust the good, how Addaya had cried out as her husband had diedleaving behind only she and their six year old son Kaneu, Achillas'sconstant stress of making the right choices, Benerib's sadness as hertwin who she was always close to went through pain and she could donothing to make her feel better. But how we all made it through as afamily; leaning on each other to keep us together, the memory of heras well as Addaya's husband Herihor to keep us strong. I would stilltell her, as well as everything else. I'd tell her every last thingtill it was like she knew them even if I could never give her thememory of holding them or hearing their voice or smelling thebaby-scent that clung to them to slowly be traded for their ownunique scent. To never give her that but I couldn't give up hope thatone day she would remember.