i have known the man since i was a child.
he is the one who teaches me how to ride a bike
and buys me the clothes i wear to my baptism.
no matter what i do he is there,
in every recollection.
i want to believe all memories of him are poisoned,
but it's not true.
in some we are eating ice cream together,
in others he has me on his shoulders as we splash around in a pond.
yet at the same time there are ones where he is hitting me,
ones where he threatens me until i cry.
there are ones that i know exist but they are too painful for my mind to remember.
i have not seen the man in years but i feel him everyday.
he is the dark urges i have,
the self hatred,
he is the shuffling in the background on the other side of the phone.
i cannot escape the grasp he has on me.
i fear that the man will haunt me for the rest of my life.
i don't want to give him his power,
i try so hard not to.
but then my eyes are closed and suddenly i'm on the back of his motorcycle,
clinging to him for dear life.
then he's locking me in my room,
then it's christmas and he's giving me a gift,
then he's angrily reciting the bible at me,
then there he is at my middle school graduation giving me his congratulations,
and then he's everywhere,
and then no where.
and it's just me.
it is just me.
