The Second Time

8

A/N: m.p.

****

It's 1:59 in the morning and my thoughts keep wandering to you
No -- running, speeding, clinging
Clinging to you.
What it would be like to have you in my arms this very moment
What it would be like to feel you breathe against my palms
What it would be like to feel you curl around me
Hold me.
The thought of you with me binds me together.
Layers can't slip away.
I think about you, about you holding me
And the pieces loosely string together.
Tentatively.

It wears off.
I then think about you
And the ocean that separates us.
The walls, the barbed wire
The other people.
My chest seizes up and shudders
When I think about wanting to wrap my arms around you
Wanting you to care enough to make sure I'm okay
Wanting you to reserve that gaze for me
Wanting you to love me the way I've loved you.

Stupid things, too
Thinking about wanting you to pick me up in your ratty old car
Going to the beach with you on a Sunday afternoon
Smiling at me with those blue blue eyes and pink pink lips
Caring.

All I want is to be worth something
To feel worth something
To matter to someone, to you
The way you matter to me
Is that too much to ask?

Apparently.

It's obvious
That I can't make you care.
No one can force anyone to feel
And I wouldn't want to change that.

All I can change is myself.
And it's wrong for me to want to change for you
So that you might love me
But that doesn't stop
This from being the truth.
As sad as it is
I'd give up very much for you
For us
For our friendship
And for much more.
I already have.

I know I am not the type of person you would love
I know I am not the type of girl that a boy like you would think about
I know I have lost all that is good about me to the ones before
And I know you can see that.
I am empty.
I am a shell
I am not inspiring
Nor am I lovely
Or happy, the way you are.
I am not worth your care
Or your love.

This is what I think about
At 1:59 in the morning
This is what I see
When I look into the mirror
This is what I feel
When you're not with me.

When I am with you
I am.
When I am without you
I can't.

And it seems as though
I will forever be
Without.