Inevitable

The Morning After

I woke the next morning feeling like I'd been run over by a Mac truck. Between the crying and not eating, my head was throbbing. I was still alone. I guess Jane had stayed out again. I checked my phone and it was only 9am. I didn't have to be at work till 1. The thought of having to see people today made my head hurt even more.
I dragged myself out of bed and threw on some clean clothes. It was early enough to catch breakfast in the dining hall. I forced myself to eat a waffle and a couple bites of bacon. It helped the headache. I went back to my room and got some schoolwork done. I couldn't waste anymore time wallowing in my pain. I needed to get myself together.
I went to the bookstore and tried my hardest to act normal. I hoped I was pulling it off. I still wasn't answering anyone's phone calls. I texted Jane back letting her know I was okay. I was kind of glad she had stayed out all weekend. I wanted to be alone. Henry texted me a few more times asking if we could talk. I ignored him. I had nothing to say to him. At least for now. I needed to work through everything that had happened in the last week.
    When my shift was over, I practically ran back to my room. Jane was back. All I wanted to do was go back to sleep.

"Hey Em. How are you doing? Do you want to talk?"

"I've been better. I just keep trying to convince myself that it's not a big deal because we were only seeing each other for a week. But I loved him Jane. I fell so hard. And it was all based on a lie. I feel so stupid."

I was now crying. It was amazing I had any tears left. Jane came over to me and pulled me in for a hug.

"You're not stupid. I thought he was being sincere too. I'm so sorry this happened. If it makes you feel any better, Henry came back yesterday and told his friends that nothing happened between you two and said that if anyone brought it up again he would kick their ass. At least he set the record straight."

I did feel a little better. I hated the thought of his friends laughing at me because they thought he had tricked me.

"Did you talk to him at all?"

"No. He grabbed a bottle of vodka and went into his room. As far as I know, he never came back out."

So Henry was upset. I didn't know how to feel about that. If all of this was a game, why would he care? Did he mean it when he said he loved me? I just figured he had said it in a desperate attempt to keep stringing me along. I was confused.

"So hows Bill? How was your weekend?"

"We don't need to talk about that Em. Not with everything you are going through."

"I want to know. You are my best friend and you have an exciting new relationship. I'm happy for you. Plus, I could use the distraction."

Jane told me all about her weekend and how well things were going. I meant it when I said I was happy for her. There was a very small part of me that was envious of how perfect her relationship seemed to be. But I couldn't begrudge Jane her happiness.

"Are you coming to Sunday dinner? I know Jess feels terrible about everything that happened. You two need to talk it out."

"I don't think I'm up to seeing her tonight. I'm still upset about what she said to me. And I hate that she was right the whole time. I'm just not up to facing anyone yet."

"Okay, I get it. I'll tell her to give you some space. Do you want me to stay with you?"

"No, that's okay. I think I just want to be alone. Thanks for everything Jane. I don't know what I would do without you."

She hugged me again and left to meet Jess and Melissa for dinner. I was left alone with my thoughts again. I got ready for bed and decided to try to read to take my mind off of Henry. I couldn't stop thinking about what Jane said. What if he was telling the truth about his feelings for me? Did it change anything? Could I ever forgive him? Could I ever trust him again? I really didn't know the answer to that.
I missed him. As mad and hurt as I was, I still missed him. I missed the way I felt when he touched me. I missed the way he looked at me and it was like we were the only two people in the room. I missed feeling like I could tell him anything. I missed the way we could just be together and not feel like we needed to talk.
Reading wasn't helping. I had read the same page several times and still had no idea what it said. I gave up and grabbed my phone instead. I wanted to talk to Henry. It was probably a huge mistake but I just couldn't help myself. I decided to send him a text. I didn't trust myself to keep it together if I heard his voice. I didn't know what to say so I just sent "Hi". I couldn't remember if he had a show tonight so I wasn't sure if I would hear back from him anytime soon.
A minute later my phone beeped.

"Hey....are you okay?"

"No"

"Me neither. I'm sorry. I told everyone that nothing happened the other night."

"Jane told me."

"Can I call you?"

I wasn't sure I was ready to talk to him. But I wanted to hear his voice.

"Okay"

A second later my phone rang. I picked it up but didn't say anything.

"Hey, you don't have to say anything. I just wanted to be able to say to you that I regret hurting you the way I did. What I did was disgusting. There's so much you don't know about me. So much I'm ashamed to tell you. But I want to be a better person because of you. For you. This thing between us was never fake. Everything that happened was real. Even our first kiss. I was into you then. I just didn't admit it to myself until after our first date. You are everything to me. I don't want to go back to living my life without you in it. I love you. I know it's too soon to say it but it's how I feel. I'll do whatever it takes to make this right. Just please don't give up on me."