Inevitable

Babysteps

A big part of me just wanted to give in to him. He was saying all the right things. But there was still that voice inside my head telling me not to trust him. I didn't know if there was anything he could do or say to get rid of that voice. I guess the question was do I give him a chance to make things right again. What if he hurt me again? What if I fell more in love with him and something else bad came out and I got crushed again?

"Henry....."

"You don't have to decide anything right now. I just needed you to know how sorry I am. I was surprised to hear from you. I thought you were never going to talk to me again. The past two days have been....torture. I miss you."

"I....miss you too." I don't know why I said it but it felt good to be honest. I heard him sigh on the other end of the line. For a few moments, neither one of us said anything.

"Can I come see you?"

Without thinking I said yes. I was a mess and even though Henry was the reason for it, he was also the only person who could make it better. All I wanted was for him to hold me right now. Henry said he would be here in a half hour. I tried to make myself look presentable but you could still tell I had spent the weekend crying. My eyes were bloodshot and puffy. O well! Henry should know how upset I've been. I changed into leggings and a sweatshirt. It was the best I could do.
    Henry texted about 20 minutes later saying he was downstairs. I was nervous about seeing him. I needed to be clear that I wasn't ready to forgive him. He was waiting at the front door holding a big brown bag. I noticed he had dark circles under his eyes. I guess we both had a rough weekend.

"Hey, sorry I took so long. I brought you dinner."

I could smell the fish tacos from the restaurant he took me to on our first date. My stomach grumbled. I had barely eaten anything today and I was starving all of a sudden. We walked over to a bench to eat. I wasn't ready to let him back up to my room. And I didn't trust myself either. I've never been able to control myself with him.
   We sat and ate in silence. I think we were both afraid of ruining the moment by talking. So much needed to be said. When I finished off two tacos, I felt a lot better.

"Thank you for dinner. I haven't had much to eat today. I had lost my appetite."

"Me too. But when you said I could come see you, I wanted to bring you something. Do you want to go for a walk?"

"Okay."

We threw away our trash and started walking in the direction of downtown. We were both awkwardly silent. I hated how weird it was between us. Could things ever be the way they were before? It was so easy before. I decided to break the tension with small talk.

"You didn't have a show tonight?"

"No not tonight. We play every other Sunday night and this is our night off."

"O okay. Makes sense."

It was quiet again. We never had trouble having a conversation before. Maybe seeing each other was a bad idea. It felt like we were pretending everything was fine when it clearly wasn't. We were just avoiding having a hard conversation about where we stood.

"Em, what are we doing?" Henry must have been thinking the same thing. We were now on the Main Street. There were a lot of people out tonight. I didn't want to get into everything out in public.

"I don't know. Maybe we should head back."

"No not yet. I don't want to put any pressure on you. I just want to know what you're thinking."

I needed to get away from the crowded street. I couldn't say what I wanted to say in front of so many people. When we got to a corner, I turned and started walking down the empty side street. Henry followed. When I got about a block away, I stopped.

"I don't know Henry. I have no idea what I'm doing. I just know that I needed to see you."

He took a step closer to me. "I needed to see you to."

"You really hurt me Henry. I don't know if that can be fixed. But all I can think about right now is being in your arms."

He closed the space between us and pulled me into a hug. I leaned my head against his chest and wrapped my arms around his waist. I breathed in his scent and listened to his heart beat. Everything else disappeared. It was only the two of us. I wanted to stay there forever.
I don't know how long we stood there. Neither one of us made a move to break free. We had been through a rough couple of days and we needed each other to make it better. After a while, I pulled myself away from him. He put a hand up to my face and I thought he was going to kiss me. He surprised me by softly kissing my forehead instead.

"I'm going to make this right. I'm going to be the person you deserve."

"I can't make any promises. I'm not sure I can trust you again."

"I know I need to earn it back. I'll do whatever it takes."

I looked him in the eyes and I just knew he was being sincere. I wasn't ready to jump right back into anything with him. But I was willing to give him a chance. Maybe I was a fool and I was going to get hurt again. But I would regret it if I walked away now.
We walked back to the main street and headed in the direction of my dorm. I felt lighter than I had all weekend.