Sorry If I Disappoint You

10 - August

I was torn between wanting to look at him and wanting to avoid him. As the movie progressed, the former seemed to be pulling ahead. I watched his jaw work on the giant bites of pizza he took, from the corner of my eye. He said he loved me and my heart stopped because who doesn't want the love of their life to love them back? He wiped some pizza sauce from the corner of his mouth with his thumb and I shivered as his lips wrapped around it to suck it off. You're sick, you know that? I asked myself.

I was haunted by Nic's "why do you put everyone's happiness before yours" line the entire weekend. I kept telling myself he was just exaggerating with the "always". But then I kept having flashbacks of times I put myself and my feelings in the backseat; it turned out to be every time I had to make a decision regarding someone else's feelings. How did I find happiness in this world I created for myself where my feelings didn't even matter to me?

Nic froze mid-giant bite. What's wrong? I asked him telepathically. Then I realized I was openly staring.

"Oh god," I blurted and shifted away in the bed.

"You okay, squirt?" Julie asked, popping her head between the sheets I buried myself under.

Yeah...that part was a little creepy," I offered. She rolled her eyes and was gone.

When I came up from under the sheet, Nic was staring. I took a deep breath and dared myself to accept his challenge.

"What the hell are you two doing?" Julie asked again. I jerked my head away and broke out in a blush, as if I had gotten caught doing something wrong. "Just because I said I loved you despite being total weirdos, doesn't mean you can go full on freak show on me."

"Sorry," I heard myself say. Nic didn't look away, so I did. I know what you're thinking, I sent telepathically again, but our friendship with Julie is important too. We can't be selfish. And then I realized I was doing that thing again. Was there a right answer here?