Dead End

CHAPTER 28

1st of January 

Violet felt like an idiot. She was falling back into old tendencies easily, almost slipping into them like a often worn dress, leaving her dignity at Thea's feet at the same time. She wasn't gay, she knew that in her mind. But kissing Thea, that idea switched, and moved from her head, to her heart. She was gay, and she was liking this far too much that she should've. Her body itched to pull Thea closer, her fingers trailing around Thea's skin, feeling everything she's dreamt of feeling for so long, it was too nice. Violet didn't deserve it. Neither did Thea, they were just going to hurt each other. Violet never acknowledged what was in her heart, she knew that, she didn't want to uncover any of the things she had so cleverly hidden. She wasn't ready, and if she was, she wouldn't dare to touch them anyway. She pulled away, and watched as Thea's smiled softly before turning her eyes to her hands.

'Sorry Thea,' Violet said very small, she wished it hadn't come out, but it needed to. For Violet, things she kept distant to herself always arose, until they were too big for her to handle. But this, this she needed to cut of short and sweet, because if it grew any bigger she know she'd lose herself with the size. 'I'm not interested in you like that.' The words felt like poison, it was like her mouth was overflowing and dripping with it. Violet felt like she was choking.

'Huh?' Thea just responded simply, then moved her eyes up into Violet's gaze. 'What do you mean by that? You enjoyed it.' Thea didn't hesitate with her words, they were so stern that Violet was cracking in half below them.

'You don't get to say what I enjoy.' Violet's voice was breaking, and Thea just smiled sympathetically. She hated her for it. Violet wanted angry tears from her, or a bitchy snarl, but this, this was so much worse. Thea was patient, and understanding in just a few words and it made Violet's heart wrench. 'You can't tell me what I feel. That's not up to you.'

'It's not up to you either.' Thea just turned her head slightly in confusion, then moved her hands from next to Violet to behind her. She leant back, relaxed and calm, and Violet just felt even more defencless as before. 'Feelings are feelings, we have them whether we like them or not, you have no control over what you feel for me Violet.' Thea stated, then started picking at her nails.

'I don't feel-' Violet started to shout slightly, but Thea interrupted her before her voice got alarmingly anxious or scared.

'Don't say you didn't feel anything Vi, because you know you do.' Thea said the last bit in a small voice, then Violet watched as a small tear escaped her eyes. The rest of her face didn't hold the same distraught, instead, it was stern and strict. Like Thea knew this was coming. That killed Violet. They fell silent for a while, and Violet's thoughts picked up a pace where she couldn't control what she said anymore.

'I'm not gay.' Violet looked Thea in the eyes 'I'm just not.' Thea's face fell, and she body finally gave into what Violet could only think of as a facade.

'What was the last week or so then? Were you just fucking with me?' The hurt now oozed out of Thea's voice, and hit Violet so hard she felt like she was gonna collapse. 'Was all that flirting just to fuck with someone who's younger than you and doesn't know herself yet?' Thea put on a mocking voice as she spoke.

'No Thea I would never take advantage of you like that.' Violet defended herself meaningfully, but Thea just scoffed.

'Then what the fuck is this? What the fuck was the last couple weeks?' Thea wasn't crying anymore, she was angry, Violet was faltering under her burning gaze. 'You were playing with me Violet, you just don't wanna believe that you're shitty because you can't handle who you actually are.'

'It's not like that, you don't have a right to say things like that.' Violet stuttered between her words, and Thea rolled her eyes.

'What do I have a right to then? Because you used me. I threw myself at your feet and you just used me.' Thea's anger and hurt still was channelling through her at force that Violet couldn't handle.