Dear Stan Marsh

Entry 27- May 28, 2019

Dear friend,

Kyle and I had a fight.

It started off on Saturday, we were sitting in my room on the bed. I was in his lap, a safe place that made me feel like I was protected by a barrier. Nothing could hurt me. I held up a sheet of paper that was a cute drawing that I had done.

"It's adorable, chickadee!" Kyle said taking the paper. "Hey, let me up for a second. I gotta go out for a break-"

"Why? You've gone outside like three or four times already in under two hours," I interrupted immediately.

"I know, but, i just need a smoke." Kyle said softly. I could tell something was up with him. The way he spoke suggested that this was more to him than it used to be. Like it was urgent he went.

"I get that, but why are you going so much? It's not good for your lungs. I know I never say anything about you smoking but it's not a good habit. You're killing yourself," I pressed.

"Why does it matter?" Kyle asked with a bit of a snap. I know he didn't mean to snap. He never does unless I hit a nerve.

I usually didn't keep going, but this was just bothering me. I removed myself from his arms, turned towards him, and said, "It matters because I don't want you dying from lung cancer!"

"There's no fucking point in living anyways," kyle's voice dropped almost to a mumble, like he didn't want me hearing, but I heard it. I definitely heard it.

I couldn't stop my jaw drop. There was no controlling the quiver in my lower lip. There was no controlling the tears filling my eyes.

"How could you say that? You're...you're always urging me to stay alive!" I practically cried out, trying to not reveal my throat being coated in tears.

Kyle wouldn't look at me. Why wouldn't he look at me? The more I watched him, I could tell he was frustrated and close to crying as well. I hit a very sensitive nerve and it was showing. "Forget it," he said trying to push it aside

"No! I won't forget it!" I snapped. I knew I shouldn't have, but there was no stopping this. "Talk to me. Please. Kyle...Please...Just talk to me..." I reached for his hands.

Kyle pulled away and got up from the bed. "No, im not talking about this. You have enough to deal with." He said firmly

I stood up in return, blocking him. He was not leaving. Not yet. "Kyle Broflovski, as your boyfriend, you still have to tell me what's wrong with you-"

"I dont have to tell you anything!" he said getting angry. I pushed him over the line. Kyle usually had a very short temper with people, but with me, it took an awful lot to get him angry. He had always been so understanding and willing to work with me because of my depression, but now he was over the line. His fuse was lit. Kyle was an explosion about to go off.

Hearing him yell at me broke me in half. I could feel my heart drop to my stomach. My throat filled heavily with tears, already over flowing.

"Why? I'm...I'm your boyfriend. I just thought you could talk to me like I talk to you-"

It was too late. The tears were there. They flowed down my eyes like Niagara Falls, never-ending and heavy.

"Stop. Stan, Stan- Stop it." Kyle said back pedaling. "Please stop crying,"

"If you want to smoke just go ahead! It's more important!I'm just annoying you! I'm making you smoke more!" I said through tears. I turned around, my back to Kyle, covering my face.

"Stan, that's not true. Just- God, this is why i didnt want to talk about this!" Kyle said, his anger igniting again.

I tried to wipe my tears away but each tear I wiped was replaced with more. This was just insane. We were fine. We weren't fighting. Kyle wasn't smoking this much. I wasn't having nightmares every night!

Turning around, I stared at him with the tears flowing. "Why? Do you just think that..that I think my problems are just more than yours!?" I couldn't stop myself. I just could not stop the words.

"They are." Kyle whispered softly. Now it was his turn. The tough ginger who would fight an army for what he believed in, who got into fist fights regularly, and hung out at bars with bikers, was crying. He didn't outwardly sob like i was, but i saw the small tears running down his freckled cheeks. It was a sight not everyone saw.

I moved close to him, cupping his cheeks despite my own tears that flowed.

"Gingersnap...I'm here for you," I whispered to him with my disgusting stuffy nose.

Kyle's head nuzzled into my hands as more tears fell down into them. "I-I cant add more onto you. I cant ."

I held onto him and kissed his forehead. "I know, but you gotta tell me things...I can't read your mind. I can't....I love you. Remember that...If you want, you can smoke...I won't fight you anymore.."

"I'm sorry," Kyle whispered. "I'm so sorry." And that's all he could say. There was no more fighting him. If I kept pressing, he wouldn't open any further. There is so much more going on in that head that i just can't see yet. I'm scared of what he's thinking.

With love,

Stan Marsh