Motley Crue - You're All I Need (Vince Neil/Nikki Sixx/Tommy Lee/Heather)

45: Love Stinks

~ Vince's POV ~

Now, before you keep reading, I need to fill you in on a couple of things that have been going on these past few weeks:

One, is that I have been ecstatic to have Amanda on the tour with me, even though it was definitely not always easy.

Two, I was struggling to readjust to life on tour. I found it especially hard to try and adapt with Amanda near me. As a consequence, I had, of course, fallen back into the drinking and drugs of my old habits, and I was ashamed of it.

Three, drinking and drugs leads to making terrible choices. Especially when everyone around you is doing the exact the same thing.

To be quite honest with you, and myself, I had already made over a dozen decisions that I deeply regret. I didn't know how to cope with them and I found myself just doing whatever I wanted, incidentally pushing Amanda out of my life in the process. I didn't realize exactly how far I took it until having her fall apart in front of me before the show tonight. And there was nothing I could say that would make her feel better.

"Please just tell me," Amanda urged, desperate for me to explain myself. Hell, she deserved it more than anything.

I found myself speechless, not wanting to open my mouth and say out loud what I already knew to be true. I knew that this could only end badly, and it was completely my fault. But maybe if I could just keep my mouth shut for a little while longer that everything could stay the same.

"I saw the box of condoms in your bag," she suddenly said, looking to me with watery eyes.

"You went through my things?" I asked defensively.

"I didn't mean to, I was just trying to borrow some makeup remover," she went on, looking to me worriedly, like I had scared her by raising my voice. "Why do you have those?"

"Amanda-," I began, but she cut me off instantly.

"This can't be real," she said, burying her face into her hands as the tears inevitably fell from her eyes again. Again, because of me. "How could you do that to me?"

"I don't know what to say," I said, helplessly looking to my hands folded across my lap for an explanation.

"Is that why you can't look at me? Why you won't touch me?" She asked, looking up to me as mascara ran down her cheeks, just as it had earlier.

"I couldn't after what I did to you," I admitted, feeling how harshly my words cut through whatever love was left between us.

"I can't believe you, Vince," she said grimly, her eyes looking at me with a deep look of betrayal.

"I know-," I tried to intervene, but she wasn't even close to being done.

"Do you realize how much I went through because of you? For years of my life. I nearly had your child. I moved in with you. I married you for fucks sake! I put my career on hold to follow you here! Let me remind you that you've already done this to me once before," she said, looking to me with a look of disgust. And I deserved every bit of it.

"What do you want me to say?" I asked, looking somberly into her eyes. "Please give me a chance to make it up to you."

"How? How Vince?" Amanda demanded, looking like she wanted to hit me. I couldn't blame her, she should hit me. "We've been married for a month and you already cheated on me. What is it that you want so desperately that I can't give you?"

"You're all I need, Amanda," I begged, hoping with no reason that she could find it in her heart to forgive me. Again.

"Then why does it feel like I'm never enough for you?" She asked, tears streaming down her cheeks.