Sab badly needed load tonight when her cousin Diego told her he knew someone who could help. What she didn't expect was that the person who gave her the load was her long-time crush, Juan Gomez de Liaño.
Start: December 25, 2018
End: June 6, 2019
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I stopped when I saw him. I looked at my Tita, still unbelievable of what I was seeing. Why was he here? "What's this? Who's this? What the hell is happening in here, Tita?" I asked her.
The man stood up and walked towards me. I knew who he was... and how I wish I didn't, because it hurt seeing him for the first time in my whole life.
I was only used to seeing him in pictures, he was still young that time. In my twenty years of existence in this world, I never once wished to see him. I never once wished for me to even meet him.
I hated him. He made me hate him. I despise him because I believe that family must always come first. Not dreams. Not your career. It's always the family we must always choose.
But, he... chose otherwise.
"Anak—"
"Anak?" I mockingly asked him. I was already saying sorry inside my head. I knew that if my mom was still alive, she never wanted to see me acting like this towards him. Towards my father who left me, who left us... because even after everything, my mother still loved him despite all the pain he's caused her.
Maybe that's true love.
Still loving the person even when it's hard, even when it's so clear that he's done loving you. Even when it wasn't you anymore, you'll still love him with all your heart.
Even if he already hurt you a thousand times, you still want him in your life. You still wish the best for him.
Even if she always shows a smiling face whenever I ask my mom about him, I still see the pain in her eyes. That even after all those years, she still yearned for him, even when he didn't choose her.
"Wala kang karapatan na tawagin akong anak, because the moment you chose your career over me, over us, you already lost the most precious thing in this world—your family."
You must never abandon family, because it's the most important thing in this world for me.
Kaagad akong lumabas ng bahay nina Tita. She just told me to come over here because she knew that if I learnt about it, I would not even bother seeing him or talking to him. "Anak—"
I faced him. "Stop calling me that. I'm not your daughter! You removed your right as my father the moment you turned your back on us!"
"I'm sorry."
"Sorry?" I asked. My heart was already heavy with anger. Everything was too much to take in. All these years of suffering... and it still wasn't done. I'm still suffering. "Is sorry all you could offer after everything? Matapos mo kaming iwanan?"
"I didn't know that we had a child. Hindi ko alam na may anak kaming dalawa ni Sabrina, dahil kung alam ko naman pipiliin ko kayo—"
"Huh," I sarcastically said. "So? Does that mean na dahil si Mama lang naman noon, hindi mo siya pinili? Kapag si Mama lang, hindi mo pipiliin? Why? Because your career is more important than her? Than the love of your life?"
"At ngayon, dahil alam mo ng may anak kayo, you're saying that you'll choose us? Biglang kami ng dalawa ang pipiliin mo? Why?" I asked. "Because you feel like I'm your responsibility?"
"Anak..." he tried to calm me, but I was far from being calm. I was mad. I couldn't even put into words everything that I was feeling right now.
"No," mariin kong sabi. "That's not the basis in choosing someone over your dreams. You don't choose family just because you felt responsible. You choose family because it's the right thing to do. It's always the right thing to do. Ohana. Family. It meant that no one should ever get left behind, but you did. You left us. You chose your career over us. You chose the dream."
And I hated it. I hated that what happened between my mother... and my father was slowly happening to me and Juan. History was slowly repeating itself. He chose his career over me. He knew. Mas masakit kasi alam niya na ganito... na nahihirapan akong tanggapin ang parte na 'yon ng buhay niya dahil dito.
And maybe, he did change.
"And because of you, I had trust issues in my life. It's all your fault. I grew up loving somebody from afar, because my mom said that I couldn't. Why? Because of you. Because she knew that what happened between the both of you might happen to me too... and I guess she was right... mother really knows best... because it's slowly happening to me and the only man I ever loved."
I looked at him. I looked a lot more like him. I grew up without a father. Without knowing him. Sa tuwing family day, hindi ko maiwasang hindi malungkot. I never even knew his name.
Even when my mom was there—showering me with all her love... and even if I kept on telling myself that I was already complete and that I didn't need a father anymore—I knew it in myself... that deep inside me I wanted a father. I wanted a complete family like my other friends and classmates do.
I wanted a happy family. A loving mother and father who would be my inspiration to love another person the way they've always loved each other.
I grew up using my mom's surname. That every time I had to fill out some forms and applications, I couldn't help but break a little when I don't have anything to write about my father, what his occupation was, what his age was, what was his real name. Nothing. I knew nothing about him.
"Why are you here now? What do you need?" I asked. "You're back now... because what? Because your career is over? It's all done? Is that it?"
It wasn't something that would last.
But family... is forever.
He was Juan's age when he chose his career over my mother and me. That's why I was scared, because it was Juan's passion like him. It was the dream ever since. I never wanted him to choose between his dreams and me... because I never wanted to happen to us what happened to my parents.
But, it was just a simple question.
I just wanted to hear it from him.
Am I part of the bigger dream?
All I wanted was a yes.
"Is my mom part of your dreams?" I sincerely asked.
"Yes," he answered with no second guessings.
Naluha ako.
It was just that easy. A simple question, yet he couldn't answer it. He could've said no, it was just easy and I would gladly accept it if I wasn't a part of his dream. I would understand if he said no... but instead he made me feel that I was never a part of that dream.
That he had nothing to do with me.
I just stood there and cried, not knowing what to do. Gulong-gulo na ako sa mga nangyayari sa buhay ko. Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko. Hindi ko na alam kung alin ang uunahin kong intindihin at ayusin sa buhay ko.
Until a warm body enveloped me into a hug. Hindi ko nilabanan. Hindi ko siya pinalayo. I just cried. I had no more energy to push him away. Pagod na pagod na pagod na ako. Ayoko na. I'm so close to giving up... I'm so close. I don't want to fight anymore.
"It may be too late for me and your mother to make things up, but it's not too late for us, anak. We still have a lot of time to catch up... and I promise, babawi ako sa lahat ng naging pagkukulang ko sa 'yo."
