•|∆Pretty Hurts∆|•{Lookism}

46. Escapism

"Ok I think I'm ready now" dad said after reading the sheet music for the song. "Okay lets go!"I yelled excitedly clearing my throat getting ready to sing.
I guess I'll have to face that in this awful place I shouldn't show a trace of doubt
But pulled against the grain I feel a little pain that I would rather do without

I'd rather be free free free

I'd rather be free free free

I'd rather be free free free

Free free free from here

When I finished they clapped and Tae ruffled my hair "Finally squirt it's been a while since we've heard any song from you I was starting to think that you would sound like a dinosaur when you said you're gonna show us your new song " he laughed and I elbowed him " Jerk" I said sticking out my tongue. "Alright it's bedtime it's time for you kids to get to bed by now " my mom said and we all went up to our rooms. As I was about to open my room I heard Tae talking to somebody so being bossy I decided to listen in. " Tae you have cancer this isn't no joke!" Crystal whisper yelled to him but Tae only laughed " Don't you think I know this isn't a joke but it's not like I could be cured Crystal I'm already too far gone." I covered my mouth in shock and surprise backing away from the door trying not making any noise. I went to my room and just sat on the bed trying to process everything. I couldn't sleep or cry just sat there in silence. In the end I never confronted him about it. I didn't want him to worry but I also didn't want him dead.

Tae pov
I walked my arm linking together with Crystal as we ate ice cream in silence. " Hey remember there ?!" She laughed pointing at the swing set in an abandoned playground where she first confessed to me . " Yeah I followed her as she sat down waiting for me to push her but as I pushed her my mind went astray. Thinking about how soon I wouldn't be able to hold her anymore or see her smile. "Tae!" I was so caught up in my thoughts I didn't realize that she was calling me. " Sorry I just zoned out for a bit " I told her and she nervously smiled saying it was fine . We watched the sunset as I pushed her but my vision started getting blurry.

Blurrier

Fuzzier

Until I blacked out my body fell with a thud on the ground and the faint sound of Crystal yelling my name was all I heard. I woke up in the hospital with mom and dad talking to the doctor while Ha-nuel sat next to my bed her head casted down but I couldn't see Crystal anywhere. " Oh good you're awake " my mom ran to me stroking my face " Ji-Tae why didn't you tell us " my mom asked me crying but I didn't say anything because I knew what I did. " He didn't want us to worry " Ha-nuel said her voice close to cracking. " I'm sorry " was all I could muster up and tell them tears spilled out my eyes in multiple streams as my mom squeezed my hand and dad was holding his head in his hands.  " What did the doctor say?" Ha-nuel trying her hardest not to cry and it broke my heart seeing her like this. "They said her has less than a week probably by the end of this week he'll h-he'll" Mom was trembling her body shaking with sadness. " I'm so sorry to interrupt but visiting hours are over" the nurse said and they all slowly left as I looked up at the white ceiling my heart slowly breaking. They visited me everyday but I just didn't seem like I was getting better.  It was Sunday and I felt my body wanting to give out. Everyone was in the room Ha-nuel was crying her heart out while dad comforted mom Crystal was trying her best not to cry and was comforting Ha-nuel . " Ha-nuel I'm sorry I wasn't the best brother you could have but I want you to know that you were my reason for going on for so long, you're the best little sister anybody could ever have and if anyone in this room knows  how much you've suffered it's me and I don't want to be one of the reasons for your suffering so stay strong baby sis I'll miss you up there" I was crying holding her hand squeezing it until I felt my body give out completely.

Ha-nuel pov
" Tae? Tae?! TAE ! Wake up please" I cried holding his body closer to me than ever before. "Please no!" I cried into his lifeless shoulder. Dad had to pull me away from him and I fell to my knees in despair. We all went home that night devastated. Tae's  funeral would be next week I stayed shut in for that week in his room just touching things that reminded me of him. " Ha-nuel please come eat something " Crystal asked me with a sore throat but I never answered. I pulled out a box in his closet filled with pictures of us as kids and small things like a maple leaf , a scarf , his beanie and a faded old paper.

Dear my favorite (only) sister Ha-nuel

If you're reading this I'm probably dead which is a total bummer but I know that you might be in my room moping around. To which I say don't because I want you to be happy. Your big bro didn't leave this earth willingly to find out you're sad because I'll find my way back down there again. In all seriousness I want to Rest In Peace knowing you'll be that bad bitch I know you can be. I won't be able to comfort you anymore now that I'm gone but you have to be strong. Come on Sunflower shine bright again.

Sincerely you main bro
Ji-Tae

I laughed at how nostalgic the note made me feel as if he was right there beside me. It's been awhile since anyone has called me Sunflower and just reading the made me breakdown into tears. After the note incident I went out the room more but usually at night not really wanting to speak to anyone but soon the time came for his funeral.

It was quiet and sad filled with tears and regrets. Even Kang came to pay his respects but when it was finally my turn to speak I didn't I decided I would send off my brother with one last song.

Everyone cried and we went on home after it. The moment we stepped inside I asked everyone to just come sit in the living room to talk about our feelings so we won't become distant and cold. By the end of the session we all sorta felt better about Tae leaving although a little sad we also knew he wouldn't want us to be.

We love you Ji-Tae Yoo
Best brother , son , and boyfriend in the world
October 10 1999 - June 12 2019